Parents

Researchers have begun to establish a causal link between storytelling and thriving. In 2001, psychologists Marshall Duke and Robyn Fvush compared children's psychological health with their knowledge of their own family history. They measured this knowledge on a "Do You Know?" scale. This scale turned out to be the best single predictor of children's emotional health and happiness.

The more children knew their family's history, the stronger their sense of control over their lives, the higher their self-esteem, and the more successfully they believed their families functioned.

Two months after this study was conducted, the September 11 attacks occurred. The psychologists went back and studied how the same group of children responded to that trauma. The results were the same: "The ones who knew more about their families proved to be more resilient, meaning they could moderate the effects of stress."

To explain the connection between story and resilience, the psychologists coined the term ‘intergenerational self.’ It's a sense that you're part of something bigger, that your life is an episode in a larger narrative. More than just entertain and amuse, (which they do) cross-generational stories serve another purpose.

Family stories let children know that they're not alone, and that those who came before them celebrated triumphs and overcame struggles, just as they do.

Additionally, in a study of family stories at Emory University, it was found that family stories seem to be transferred by mothers and grandmothers more often than not, and that the information was typically passed during family dinners, family vacations and family holidays. Other data indicated that these very same regular family dinners, vacations, and holiday celebrations occur more frequently in families that have high levels of cohesiveness. It is the ‘intergenerational self’ and the personal strength that is derived from it that are associated with increased resilience, better adjustment, and improved chances of good clinical and educational outcomes.

The researchers define three types of family narratives:

1. The ascending narrative: we came from nothing and now we've succeeded (rags to riches).

2. The descending narrative: we used to have it all and now we have nothing.

3. And, the most healthful narrative is called the oscillating family narrative: we've had ups and downs, and we've persevered, as a family.

This third narrative is the story of the Jewish people.

When we share stories - especially over holidays - year after year after year, we invite the next generation into the Jewish family story. Our stories are still unfolding.

1. Do you know how your parents met?

2. Do you know where your mother grew up?

3. Do you know where your father grew up?

4. Do you know where some of your grandparents grew up?

5. Do you know where some of your grandparents met?

6. Do you know where your parents were married?

7. Do you know what went on when you were born?

8. Do you know the source of your name?

9. Do you know some things about what happened when your brothers or sisters were born?

10.Do you know which person in your family you look most like?

11. Do you know which person in the family you act most like?

12.Do you know some of the illnesses and injuries that your parents experienced when they were younger?

13.Do you know some of the lessons that your parents learned from good or bad experiences?

14.Do you know some things that happened to your mom or dad when they were in school?

15.Do you know the national background of your family (such as English, German, Russian, etc.)?

16.Do you know some of the jobs that your parents had when they were young?

17.Do you know some awards that your parents received when they were young?

18.Do you know the names of the schools that your mom went to?

19.Do you know the names of the schools that your dad went to?

20.Do you know about a relative whose face “froze” in a grumpy position because he or she did not smile enough?

* THE DO YOU KNOW SCALE, a measure developed by Dr. Marshall Duke and Dr. Robyn Fivush of Emory University, is comprised of 20 questions seeking knowledge about family history. Children who score high on the DYK scale are associated with higher levels of self-esteem, better family functioning,

lower levels of anxiety, fewer behavioral problems, an internal locus of control, (Locus of control refers to the extent to which people feel that they have control over the events that influence their lives) and better chances for good outcomes if faced with educational or emotional/behavioral difficulties. The questions test knowledge of things that children could not possibly have learned first hand but from others through stories, writings or other indirect resources.

It is customary in the Jewish tradition to bless our children, and in the spirit of this ritual, we have created a prayer with these four children in mind.

Blessed are you, Holy Source of Wisdom, bless us so we may know, understand and accept our inner child. Guide us as we ask the questions to better understand ourselves and our world as we try to make sense of our emotions. Guide us as we try to find our place in a caring community, even when we resist those who want to help. Guide us to find the safe and brave spaces filled with people who can show us empathy. Guide us as we learn the language we need from those who model vulnerability. Blessed are you, Holy Source of Love, bless us so we may know, understand and accept the children among us. Help us to notice the message behind the questions others may ask, ensuring each person gets the help they need. Help us to create shame-free and stigma-free environments for each other, developing a culture of understanding. Help us to approach others with empathy so they can feel safe. Help us to offer support to those who may not know what they need. May we each approach our inner child with curiosity and insight. May we each be compassionate toward our inner child from moment to moment. And may we each learn what we need from the inner child of those around us. Amen.

By The Blue Dove Foundation

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