Grandparenting

Researchers have begun to establish a causal link between storytelling and thriving. In 2001, psychologists Marshall Duke and Robyn Fvush compared children's psychological health with their knowledge of their own family history. They measured this knowledge on a "Do You Know?" scale. This scale turned out to be the best single predictor of children's emotional health and happiness.

The more children knew their family's history, the stronger their sense of control over their lives, the higher their self-esteem, and the more successfully they believed their families functioned.

Two months after this study was conducted, the September 11 attacks occurred. The psychologists went back and studied how the same group of children responded to that trauma. The results were the same: "The ones who knew more about their families proved to be more resilient, meaning they could moderate the effects of stress."

To explain the connection between story and resilience, the psychologists coined the term ‘intergenerational self.’ It's a sense that you're part of something bigger, that your life is an episode in a larger narrative. More than just entertain and amuse, (which they do) cross-generational stories serve another purpose.

Family stories let children know that they're not alone, and that those who came before them celebrated triumphs and overcame struggles, just as they do.

Additionally, in a study of family stories at Emory University, it was found that family stories seem to be transferred by mothers and grandmothers more often than not, and that the information was typically passed during family dinners, family vacations and family holidays. Other data indicated that these very same regular family dinners, vacations, and holiday celebrations occur more frequently in families that have high levels of cohesiveness. It is the ‘intergenerational self’ and the personal strength that is derived from it that are associated with increased resilience, better adjustment, and improved chances of good clinical and educational outcomes.

The researchers define three types of family narratives:

1. The ascending narrative: we came from nothing and now we've succeeded (rags to riches).

2. The descending narrative: we used to have it all and now we have nothing.

3. And, the most healthful narrative is called the oscillating family narrative: we've had ups and downs, and we've persevered, as a family.

This third narrative is the story of the Jewish people.

When we share stories - especially over holidays - year after year after year, we invite the next generation into the Jewish family story. Our stories are still unfolding.

By Sharon Morton | Complete Ceremony When one becomes a Jewish grandparent, it is one of the most awe-inspiring experiences of a lifetime. I believe it is God's gift to make aging joyous. It is an opportunity to have a second chance to correct the mistakes we made as parents. It is a time to rejoice in our children's adulthood, to see them care for a new life. It can be an extremely painful time if the baby isn't healthy, because you suffer for yourself, for your child and for the newborn. But there is no ceremony, no acknowledgment, in our day of becoming a grandparent. Perhaps our children live out of town; perhaps they have an interfaith family and have not chosen to have the baby named through a Jewish ritual. Perhaps they are a part of a different congregation; yet recognizing this new stage of life in one's own house of worship is most important. Therefore I suggest the following ceremony: Hold a ritual for all new grandparents twice a year at Shabbat services. Have all new grandparents put their newborn grandchildren's pictures on an easel outside the sanctuary, along with the parents' and grandparents names. Just before the Torah reading, the rabbi calls up all the new grandparents to the bima together and says a blessing. Then one grandparent expresses a few words of gratitude on the power of seeing a new life or on how we become immortal through our grandchildren. All the grandparents pledge to reaffirm their own identity; to study, pray and do deeds of righteous social action; and to thank God for their blessings. Everyone says the shehehiyanu blessing. Then the grandparents are the honor guard for the Torah. The grandparents are showered with candy as they return to their seats. At the Oneg Shabbat, grandparents wear buttons that have the picture of their grandchild (if they can have such a button made) or that simply say, "I am a new grandparent." Everyone congratulates them and shares their own stories. That bonding experience can provide the opportunity to invite the grandparents to join a "Reaffirmation of Judaism" or "Adult B'nai Mitzva" class that will increase their knowledge, facilitate bonding with others, and provide an opportunity to do social action together.

As older adults choose to be together without a formal mar­riage ceremony, there is an opportunity to create new rituals. As we live longer, we may experience the death of a spouse, or divorce. The couple asks for a blessing that will sanctify their being together and to thank God that two people have found each other and to ask for peace and comfort in the years that may be granted. 

Genesis 2:18 reminds us that it is not good that we go through life alone. The extended life spans that arc now emerging will allow for more of these types of situations. Shall we just ignore them? Or shall we see in many of these rela­tionships unique opportunities to develop something sacred and special to the many peo­ple who choose to have this new relationship blessed? 

This ceremony is not a marriage, it is a ritual of thanks that people have found each other and a hope that they may find peace and security in the years ahead. In the end, the openness to the development of such unions allows for the continuing evolution of faith communities to the new realities presented by the dynamic changes in life spans and lifestyles. 

Below are two rituals to bless a union between two peo­ple who together have decided to share their lives with one another.

A Blessing For Love 

Today we sanctify the union of _______ and _______ , and we recall· another sacred beginning. that of creation itself. God created the heavens, and earth was formed. Life was granted on the land and in the sea. Genesis tells of the 

sanctity of human companionship, of togetherness in the holy union of two people. In sanctifying this union today, we foster the long-standing emphasis on togetherness. 

_______ and _______ have found one another and now seek to come together. May their union animate the divine in each of them and help the other to grow in the likeness of God. 

Do you, ______ _. promise to support and comfort _______ , providing him/her with love and compassion, from this day forward? (Repeat for both individuals.) 

May the union of ______ and _______ be for a bless- ing, and may they find health. love, and happiness in their days together. Amen 

A Commitment Blessing 

Today we celebrate the loving commitment of _______ and _______ to each other, and we share in their joy.

In the Song of Songs, we read “Ani l'dodi v'dodi li - I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine." This represents not only God's relationship with Israel, but also the commitment that is shared between _______ and ______.

Aging, though natural and inevitable, often comes with stigma and fear. Living in a culture infatuated with youth, the physical and mental markers of aging may provoke dread or anxiety. Aging can also be a celebration of milestones that not everyone is blessed to reach. This book of rituals invites you to go beyond the binaries and to embrace the beauty, the challenges, the joys and the sorrows of aging. 

Whether you are young and curious about what lies ahead, or already on your own aging journey, these rituals offer opportunities for navigating the seasons of life with grace, wisdom, and compassion. It is a celebration of the rich tapestry of human experience and a reminder that, no matter our age, we all have something valuable to offer the world.

“They shall still bring forth fruit in old age; they shall be full of sap and richness.” Psalms 92:15

Deep appreciation to Rabbi Richard Address of Jewish Sacred Aging, Rabbi Evan Krame of Jewish Doorways and to Rabbi Laura Geller, Rabbi Beth Lieberman for their leadership in developing rituals for this stage of life. We are grateful to the many individuals and organizations named in this booklet who shared their creativity and their writings, including those originally published in New Rituals for New Life Stages, edited by Rabbi Richard Address of Jewish Sacred Aging.

“Rabbi Tarfon said: The day is short and the work is long. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to desist from it.” Pirkei Avot 2:16 

“There are two ways to live. You can live as if nothing is a miracle. You can live as if everything is a miracle.”  Albert Einstein 

"I would like to be remembered as someone who used whatever talent she had to do her work to the very best of her ability."  Ruth Bader Ginsberg 

"The end of the matter is better than the beginning.” Ecclesiastes 7:8