1. Complete one or more of the seven questions, as you wish.

2. Review and revise until you feel that it truly reflects your thoughts and feelings.

3. Consider when and where you want to use this review in your new year preparations.

4. Review your life review letter once a year and update it as needed.

5. This can be sensitive and emotional work. Please proceed with caution.

Judaism provides structure after a loss to help the bereaved move through grief and mourning, and helps the supporter define their role and obligation to any given mourner in their community. 

If a loved one is facing the end of their life, it can help to become familiar with common Hebrew words used in grief: Shiva (seven days of mourning after burial); Kaddish (prayer said in memory of the deceased, for 30 days when mourning a spouse or sibling, and one year when mourning a parent); Shloshim (the first 30 days after burial); Yahrzeit (anniversary of the death and burial, marked annually); and Yizkor (memorial prayer recited on Yom Kippur, and the last days of Sukkot, Passover, and Shavuot). These are the traditional frameworks, however, modern Judaism allows flexibility in using these tools. As our circles of who is in our community grow, we offer some ideas for getting and giving support through each step of the grief and mourning process. 

There are some challenges mourners face that can be avoided. While there are any number of checklists to help you with the time-consuming logistics of death (ex: securing essential documents, accessing the will, buying a funeral plot, etc.), we would like to highlight how you as the mourner may be able to ease the process of losing an important person in a Jewish context.

Here are some practical suggestions when the death of a loved one is imminent: 

• If possible, speak to your loved one and try to understand their wishes including burial instructions, funeral arrangements, clergy preference, whom to notify.
• Identify your support system. Who are your people? Do you have a trusted friend or non-immediate family member available to field inquiries about a funeral/memorial and if you opt to sit shiva? Think about the gifts friends might have - are they fabulous cooks? Super organized? Great at communication? A good shoulder to cry on? Gifted with your kids?  The time when a death is imminent is a good time to inform key friends that you will need help in the weeks ahead and see if they can be counted on.  Friends and neighbors want to feel agency when they see someone hurting. Some people naturally find their place and know how to help, but others need help identifying how they can be helpful to you in your time of need. 
• If you don’t have a circle of friends, perhaps consider joining a synagogue, JCC, support group, or other organization that aligns with your values and has systems in place to support mourners. Virtual communities can be helpful if you don’t live in a community with many Jewish spaces. 
• If it’s your custom to speak at the funeral, consider taking some notes ahead of the loss about what makes your person your person. 
• Consider calling or appointing someone to call the funeral home with pertinent details. 
• Consider learning about Jewish death and mourning customs. Judaism has a custom of Shmira (guarding the body before it is interred) and Tahara (ritual bathing of the body). Jews are often buried in a plain pine box in a simple shroud. Ask the dying person if that is something that they want. One can employ many rituals to help with the grieving process like shiva, kaddish, and shloshim [Visit Recustom’s End of Life page and My Jewish Learning for definitions)
• Consider hiring an end-of-life doula who works through a Jewish lens. You can find a list from Shomer Collective here.  
• If finances are a hurdle, identify where you can find support like the Hebrew Free Burial Society or something similar in your community. 
• If you have children, call teachers before death to make a support plan and get ideas for supporting children and teens. 
• Consider attending a grief support group. 
• Advocate for taking bereavement leave at your job so that you can take some time during the acute mourning phase or even later (typically the first week in uncomplicated deaths).  
• If you are sitting shiva, think about where you can do this. If your home is unavailable, many synagogues or funeral homes have a room for shiva. 
• Consider whether you will need to coordinate with other family members. Will travel logistics be part of the equation?

With some planning, it may be easier to have support during this challenging time. 

As Passover approaches, there are many opportunities to elevate the memory of your loved ones. First, Rabbi Stephanie Dickstein shares a few ways to weave those who have died into your seder planning - whether through the menu, the creation of your haggadah or your Passover preparations. Then, she shares journaling prompts inspired by different parts of the seder. 

1. Cooking recipes that were made by or enjoyed by the person who died

2. Using ritual objects (kiddush cup, kippah, etc.) that were cherished/used by the one who died

3. Using a pillow of the one who died for reclining at the seder

4. Telling stories about the one who died — e.g., how they were at the previous year’s seder

5. Recalling comments/interpretations of the Pesach story/themes by the one who died

6. Associating certain lines/images from the Haggadah with the memory of the one who died

7. Incorporating written work by the one who died into the seder

8. Integrating songs, poetry, and prose that was important to the one who died into the seder

9. Using artwork by the one who died as a centerpiece at the seder

10. Building a memorial into the “Eliyah’s Cup/Opening the Door” portion of the seder — silent, spoken, and/or sung

11. Some people leave an empty chair at their seder table

12. Before Pesach begins, giving to a tzedakah/cause that is meaningful in memory of the one who died, perhaps related to Pesach themes

13. Similar to the preceding, underwriting the participation of a needy Jew in a communal seder in memory of the one who died

Each year, the chairs around our seder table are filled with different individuals who join together to retell, once again, the story of our enslavement and our redemption. The Passover seder is more than a history lesson, for each of us is instructed to see ourselves as if we had personally been freed from Egypt. It has to become our own story, told in the context of the generations of our family and community. We add new layers as this year’s experience melds with the memories of the past.

Yet some years are painfully different. A beloved family member or friend has died during the past year. There is an empty chair at the seder table. We may find ourselves dreading the coming holiday. How can we go through the same rituals, when life has been so drastically altered? What if we begin to cry at the seder table? What if everyone is so afraid of pain that they ignore the empty chair? Are we even allowed to bring our sadness to the seder, which seems like it should be a happy occasion? Sometimes death changes family/ social relations and yours is also the empty chair at a seder. How do you find meaning in the holiday now?

Using the traditional structure and rituals of the seder service, as found in the Haggadah, below are ways that enable you to pay attention to your journey of grief. Each represents one step of the seder with teachings, comments and questions relating that Jewish ritual or prayer to the individual experience of memory, loss and healing.

Karpas | כַּרְפַּס
The First Dipping Hors d’oeuvres of Spring Greens:  Salt water represents our tears as slaves in Egypt. In my bereavement, as time goes by, what are s the sources of my tears? What makes me cry? Is there anything that still enslaves me to my tears? The karpas, a spring vegetable, represents renewal that comes in the springtime. As I move from grief and mourning into a different yet potentially full and renewed life what is growing in me and what comes alive in me again?

Yachatz | יַחַץ
Breaking the Matza:  This matza represents brokenness. As the matza is broken in half, the broken piece is set aside for the afikomen, which when found toward the end of the seder, symbolizes renewed wholeness and redemption. In my broken-heartedness, have there been paths of healing for me? In my brokenness, have I found places of greater strength within me? Can I imagine moving towards a new kind of wholeness?

Maggid | מַגִיד
Telling the Story:  One of the central mitzvot of Pesach is telling the story of oppression and the journey to liberation. It is interesting to note that the Haggadah offers us at least four versions of the Passover story. There is telling through symbols, historical recounting, moral expositions, and facts with expanded interpretations. What are some of the different ways in which you tell the stories of your loved one and the journey you took together?

Rachtza | רַחְצָה
Washing Before Eating Matza:  When we have been to a cemetery, it is customary to wash our hands before entering a building. It is a remnant of the Biblical idea that contact with the dead puts an individual into a different state. Purification by water is necessary prior to reentering the community. What rituals have been helpful to you in making the transition from focusing completely on your loved one and your loss, and being able to be more fully a part of your own changed life?

Birkat Hamazon – Barech | בָּרֵך
The Blessing after the Meal:  They who sow in tears, shall reap with joy. You have shed many tears since the death of your loved one. What are the blessings you received from your loved one which continue to nourish you? What are the blessings that have come into your life since your loss?

From: Coping with the Empty Chair at the Seder: A Personal Journal for Memory and Contemplation,

Prepared By Rabbi Stephanie Dickstein, LMSW, The Jewish Board

Coming to terms with our own mortality can help us better appreciate the life we have today, even as we say goodbye to loved ones. Our partners at Shomer Collective remind us of the Torah teaching to “choose life,” and that it is never too early to communicate our end-of-life wishes to the important people in our lives. Though it may feel easier to avoid these difficult conversations, when we neglect them, we risk falling into crisis when the inevitable happens. We hope these rituals, grounded in Jewish tradition, elevate and sanctify your end-of-life conversations. 

Intention Setting

Choose life, we are instructed in the Torah. By writing/sharing my end-of-life plans, I am choosing life by making choices about how I wish to live, as I recognize that I am, and we are, mortal. 

Blessing

For lay leaders/professionals guiding others through the planning process 

God, Source of Compassion, be with me as I guide this person through

these sacred conversations.

Help keep me aware of the Divinity inside of them; of the unique soul that

makes each person’s life different.

Help instill in me the right words to say; help me be comfortable in silence

when there are not the right words.

In moments of frustration, remind me of Your compassion, Your patience.

These conversations can be hard and can be triggers of pain. Grant me the

capacity to gently hold the depth of someone else’s story without judging

their decisions.

Help me be a connector, guiding towards help, even when I can’t offer it

myself.

Help me be an ear, to listen even when I can’t solve problems.

These conversations can be beautiful and full of Your spirit. God, help me

see your gifts inside of another’s life.

By Rabbi Sarit Horowitz, written for B’nai Jeshurun facilitators for What Matters: Caring Conversations about End of Life

For individuals beginning the planning process

God, I ask that you keep your Presence with me during this important

conversation.

Help bring to surface the values that are most important to me. Grant me clarity

about my true wishes.

Endow in me strength in voice. Guide me in my important decision-making.

Enable me to work through any difficulties these conversations bring up,

navigating the relationships of those around me.

Comfort me if these conversations bring up pain. Be with me, God, along the

way.

Allow me to use this opportunity to bring blessing into my life and the lives of

those I cherish most. Be a constant reminder that my life is sacred and infused

with you, the Divine.

By Rabbi Sarit Horowitz, written for B’nai Jeshurun facilitators for What Matters: Caring Conversations about End of Life

Each year, the chairs around our seder table are filled with different individuals who join together to retell, once again, the story of our enslavement and our redemption. The Passover seder is more than a history lesson, for each of us is instructed to see ourselves as if we had personally been freed from Egypt. It has to become our own story, told in the context of the generations of our family and community. We add new layers as this year’s experience melds with the memories of the past.

Yet some years are painfully different. A beloved family member or friend has died during the past year. There is an empty chair at the seder table. We may find ourselves dreading the coming holiday. How can we go through the same rituals, when life has been so drastically altered? What if we begin to cry at the seder table? What if everyone is so afraid of pain that they ignore the empty chair? Are we even allowed to bring our sadness to the seder, which seems like it should be a happy occasion? Sometimes death changes family/ social relations and yours is also the empty chair at a seder. How do you find meaning in the holiday now?

Using the traditional structure and rituals of the seder service, as found in the Haggadah, below are ways that enable you to pay attention to your journey of grief. Each represents one step of the seder with teachings, comments and questions relating that Jewish ritual or prayer to the individual experience of memory, loss and healing.

– From: Coping with the Empty Chair at the Seder: A Personal Journal for Memory and Contemplation, Prepared By Rabbi Stephanie Dickstein, LMSW in collaboration with The Jewish Board