Noticing The Empty Chair: Grieving a Loved One at Passover
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We Remember: Yizkor
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At the rising sun and at its going down; We remember them.
At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter; We remember them.
At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring; We remember them.
At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer; We remember them.
At the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of the autumn; We remember them.
At the beginning of the year and when it ends; We remember them.
As long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as We remember them.
When we are weary and in need of strength; We remember them.
When we are lost and sick at heart; We remember them.
When we have decisions that are difficult to make; We remember them.
When we have joy we crave to share; We remember them.
When we have achievements that are based on theirs; We remember them.
For as long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as, We remember them.
-by by Sylvan Kamens & Rabbi Jack Riemer
Clip source: The Shomer Collective
We Remember Them by Sylvan Kamens & Rabbi Jack Riemer
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More
Each year, the chairs around our seder table are filled with different individuals who join together to retell, once again, the story of our enslavement and our redemption. The Passover seder is more than a history lesson, for each of us is instructed to see ourselves as if we had personally been freed from Egypt. It has to become our own story, told in the context of the generations of our family and community. We add new layers as this year’s experience melds with the memories of the past.
Yet some years are painfully different. A beloved family member or friend has died during the past year. There is an empty chair at the seder table. We may find ourselves dreading the coming holiday. How can we go through the same rituals, when life has been so drastically altered? What if we begin to cry at the seder table? What if everyone is so afraid of pain that they ignore the empty chair? Are we even allowed to bring our sadness to the seder, which seems like it should be a happy occasion? Sometimes death changes family/ social relations and yours is also the empty chair at a seder. How do you find meaning in the holiday now?
Using the traditional structure and rituals of the seder service, as found in the Haggadah, below are ways that enable you to pay attention to your journey of grief. Each represents one step of the seder with teachings, comments and questions relating that Jewish ritual or prayer to the individual experience of memory, loss and healing.
Karpas | כַּרְפַּס
The First Dipping Hors d’oeuvres of Spring Greens: Salt water represents our tears as slaves in Egypt. In my bereavement, as time goes by, what are s the sources of my tears? What makes me cry? Is there anything that still enslaves me to my tears? The karpas, a spring vegetable, represents renewal that comes in the springtime. As I move from grief and mourning into a different yet potentially full and renewed life what is growing in me and what comes alive in me again?
Yachatz | יַחַץ
Breaking the Matza: This matza represents brokenness. As the matza is broken in half, the broken piece is set aside for the afikomen, which when found toward the end of the seder, symbolizes renewed wholeness and redemption. In my broken-heartedness, have there been paths of healing for me? In my brokenness, have I found places of greater strength within me? Can I imagine moving towards a new kind of wholeness?
Maggid | מַגִיד
Telling the Story: One of the central mitzvot of Pesach is telling the story of oppression and the journey to liberation. It is interesting to note that the Haggadah offers us at least four versions of the Passover story. There is telling through symbols, historical recounting, moral expositions, and facts with expanded interpretations. What are some of the different ways in which you tell the stories of your loved one and the journey you took together?
Rachtza | רַחְצָה
Washing Before Eating Matza: When we have been to a cemetery, it is customary to wash our hands before entering a building. It is a remnant of the Biblical idea that contact with the dead puts an individual into a different state. Purification by water is necessary prior to reentering the community. What rituals have been helpful to you in making the transition from focusing completely on your loved one and your loss, and being able to be more fully a part of your own changed life?
Birkat Hamazon – Barech | בָּרֵך
The Blessing after the Meal: They who sow in tears, shall reap with joy. You have shed many tears since the death of your loved one. What are the blessings you received from your loved one which continue to nourish you? What are the blessings that have come into your life since your loss?
From: Coping with the Empty Chair at the Seder: A Personal Journal for Memory and Contemplation,
Prepared By Rabbi Stephanie Dickstein, LMSW, The Jewish Board
Coping with the Empty Chair at the Seder: A Personal Journal for Memory and Contemplation
Preview
More
(recited by family, friends, neighbors)
As I prepare and cook this meal, may I keep in my mind and my heart the holy purpose of providing comfort to these mourners.
May the work of my hands provide strength for their bodies and solace for their hearts.
May a sense of community provide some comfort in this time of devastation.
May the Source of Nourishment be with these mourners, sustaining them now and always.
-by Rabbi Janet Madden
Clip source: The Shomer Collective
Shiva - Preparing Food for a House of Mourning by Rabbit Janet Madden
Preview
More
When leaving a home where people are mourning, we offer words of comfort to remind the mourners they are not alone in their grief.
People from Sephardi heritage traditionally say, “Min hashamayim tenachumu,” which means “May you be comforted by heaven.” And people from Ashkenazi heritage say, “Hamakom yenakhem etekhem betokh shaar avelay tziyon viyrushalayim,” which means, “May the Presence bring you comfort among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”
Clip source: The Shomer Collective
At the rising sun and at its going down; We remember them.
At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter; We remember them.
At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring; We remember them.
At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer; We remember them.
At the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of the autumn; We remember them.
At the beginning of the year and when it ends; We remember them.
As long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as We remember them.
When we are weary and in need of strength; We remember them.
When we are lost and sick at heart; We remember them.
When we have decisions that are difficult to make; We remember them.
When we have joy we crave to share; We remember them.
When we have achievements that are based on theirs; We remember them.
For as long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as, We remember them.
-by by Sylvan Kamens & Rabbi Jack Riemer
Clip source: The Shomer Collective
Shiva literally means “seven,” as in the seven days of mourning following the burial. This period of intense mourning spans a week, though some people observe shiva for fewer days.
During this time immediately after our loved one is buried, mourners stay at home, with family and friends taking care of their basic needs, sending or preparing food, and visiting to offer comfort. It is often referred to as “sitting shiva,” because in this period of grief, we are invited to simply sit and be with all of our feelings. Loved ones gather daily to say prayers and to share memories of the person who has died.
Clip source: The Shomer Collective
At the rising sun and at its going down; We remember them.
At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter; We remember them.
At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring; We remember them.
At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer; We remember them.
At the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of the autumn; We remember them.
At the beginning of the year and when it ends; We remember them.
As long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as We remember them.
When we are weary and in need of strength; We remember them.
When we are lost and sick at heart; We remember them.
When we have decisions that are difficult to make; We remember them.
When we have joy we crave to share; We remember them.
When we have achievements that are based on theirs; We remember them.
For as long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as, We remember them.
-by by Sylvan Kamens & Rabbi Jack Riemer
Clip source: The Shomer Collective
We Remember Them by Sylvan Kamens & Rabbi Jack Riemer
Preview
More
Each year, the chairs around our seder table are filled with different individuals who join together to retell, once again, the story of our enslavement and our redemption. The Passover seder is more than a history lesson, for each of us is instructed to see ourselves as if we had personally been freed from Egypt. It has to become our own story, told in the context of the generations of our family and community. We add new layers as this year’s experience melds with the memories of the past.
Yet some years are painfully different. A beloved family member or friend has died during the past year. There is an empty chair at the seder table. We may find ourselves dreading the coming holiday. How can we go through the same rituals, when life has been so drastically altered? What if we begin to cry at the seder table? What if everyone is so afraid of pain that they ignore the empty chair? Are we even allowed to bring our sadness to the seder, which seems like it should be a happy occasion? Sometimes death changes family/ social relations and yours is also the empty chair at a seder. How do you find meaning in the holiday now?
Using the traditional structure and rituals of the seder service, as found in the Haggadah, below are ways that enable you to pay attention to your journey of grief. Each represents one step of the seder with teachings, comments and questions relating that Jewish ritual or prayer to the individual experience of memory, loss and healing.
Karpas | כַּרְפַּס
The First Dipping Hors d’oeuvres of Spring Greens: Salt water represents our tears as slaves in Egypt. In my bereavement, as time goes by, what are s the sources of my tears? What makes me cry? Is there anything that still enslaves me to my tears? The karpas, a spring vegetable, represents renewal that comes in the springtime. As I move from grief and mourning into a different yet potentially full and renewed life what is growing in me and what comes alive in me again?
Yachatz | יַחַץ
Breaking the Matza: This matza represents brokenness. As the matza is broken in half, the broken piece is set aside for the afikomen, which when found toward the end of the seder, symbolizes renewed wholeness and redemption. In my broken-heartedness, have there been paths of healing for me? In my brokenness, have I found places of greater strength within me? Can I imagine moving towards a new kind of wholeness?
Maggid | מַגִיד
Telling the Story: One of the central mitzvot of Pesach is telling the story of oppression and the journey to liberation. It is interesting to note that the Haggadah offers us at least four versions of the Passover story. There is telling through symbols, historical recounting, moral expositions, and facts with expanded interpretations. What are some of the different ways in which you tell the stories of your loved one and the journey you took together?
Rachtza | רַחְצָה
Washing Before Eating Matza: When we have been to a cemetery, it is customary to wash our hands before entering a building. It is a remnant of the Biblical idea that contact with the dead puts an individual into a different state. Purification by water is necessary prior to reentering the community. What rituals have been helpful to you in making the transition from focusing completely on your loved one and your loss, and being able to be more fully a part of your own changed life?
Birkat Hamazon – Barech | בָּרֵך
The Blessing after the Meal: They who sow in tears, shall reap with joy. You have shed many tears since the death of your loved one. What are the blessings you received from your loved one which continue to nourish you? What are the blessings that have come into your life since your loss?
From: Coping with the Empty Chair at the Seder: A Personal Journal for Memory and Contemplation,
Prepared By Rabbi Stephanie Dickstein, LMSW, The Jewish Board
Coping with the Empty Chair at the Seder: A Personal Journal for Memory and Contemplation
Preview
More
(recited by family, friends, neighbors)
As I prepare and cook this meal, may I keep in my mind and my heart the holy purpose of providing comfort to these mourners.
May the work of my hands provide strength for their bodies and solace for their hearts.
May a sense of community provide some comfort in this time of devastation.
May the Source of Nourishment be with these mourners, sustaining them now and always.
-by Rabbi Janet Madden
Clip source: The Shomer Collective
Shiva - Preparing Food for a House of Mourning by Rabbit Janet Madden
Preview
More
When leaving a home where people are mourning, we offer words of comfort to remind the mourners they are not alone in their grief.
People from Sephardi heritage traditionally say, “Min hashamayim tenachumu,” which means “May you be comforted by heaven.” And people from Ashkenazi heritage say, “Hamakom yenakhem etekhem betokh shaar avelay tziyon viyrushalayim,” which means, “May the Presence bring you comfort among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”
Clip source: The Shomer Collective
At the rising sun and at its going down; We remember them.
At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter; We remember them.
At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring; We remember them.
At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer; We remember them.
At the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of the autumn; We remember them.
At the beginning of the year and when it ends; We remember them.
As long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as We remember them.
When we are weary and in need of strength; We remember them.
When we are lost and sick at heart; We remember them.
When we have decisions that are difficult to make; We remember them.
When we have joy we crave to share; We remember them.
When we have achievements that are based on theirs; We remember them.
For as long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as, We remember them.
-by by Sylvan Kamens & Rabbi Jack Riemer
Clip source: The Shomer Collective
Shiva literally means “seven,” as in the seven days of mourning following the burial. This period of intense mourning spans a week, though some people observe shiva for fewer days.
During this time immediately after our loved one is buried, mourners stay at home, with family and friends taking care of their basic needs, sending or preparing food, and visiting to offer comfort. It is often referred to as “sitting shiva,” because in this period of grief, we are invited to simply sit and be with all of our feelings. Loved ones gather daily to say prayers and to share memories of the person who has died.
Clip source: The Shomer Collective
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