Death

Shiva literally means “seven,” as in the seven days of mourning following the burial. This period of intense mourning spans a week, though some people observe shiva for fewer days.

During this time immediately after our loved one is buried, mourners stay at home, with family and friends taking care of their basic needs, sending or preparing food, and visiting to offer comfort. It is often referred to as “sitting shiva,” because in this period of grief, we are invited to simply sit and be with all of our feelings. Loved ones gather daily to say prayers and to share memories of the person who has died. 

Clip source: The Shomer Collective

Today surprised me--

the sun and skies of blue shading

almost translucent,

almost too bright,

studded with clouds

that wandered in stately lines

invisible to the naked eye

and the grieving heart.

It beckoned, this day

of surprises and shaded blueness.

I thought it would be warm;

It's certainly bright enough,

clear enough,

and from my window, 

there are still leaves of green

that cling to their branches,

so it could be a different day

entirely.

It could be a day in spring,

where the wind still carries

a quiet note of cold.

and you waited.

wrapped in stillness.

while I walked through 

gardens just at the bursting point,

and blossoms spilled their

scent of life,

all green and yellow and white,

making the air heavy

and light at the same time.

I collected the dew

and a spray of flowers 

for your table.

And you laughed,

and pressed a kiss upon my lips.

It could be that day,

but this day has surprised me,

its colors and leaves framed 

so neatly by my window,

but there are things carried in this 

day, invisible to the naked eye

and a grieving heart.

There are no wildflowers

to collect along the way,

and the grass is stiff with frost.

My step is much slower,

a stumbling gait, 

hesitating and halting.

Slowly, oh so slowly

with love and tender grace

I lay a spray of flowers

upon your grave,

a surprising note of color, just

visible to my grieving heart.

- by Stacey Zisook Robinson z”l

___

Shared with permission from ReformJudaism.org

Clip source: The Shomer Collective

There is an eternal essence that persists in time and space —

and this is our prayer to make it part of our awareness 

by affirming its persistence and pledging ourselves 

to act to advance the promise it holds of a better world; 

may it be soon and in our days. Amen.

Let the great essence be blessed through all our actions!

Whether it be blessed or praised or honored or exalted, 

we affirm that it is far beyond any expression which we use to describe it — 

prayer or song, prose or poem — and we say: Amen

We express our hopes for peace and for life upon us and upon all people. Amen.

May the harmony we experience as we gaze toward heaven 

be reflected in a harmony between all who dwell on the planet: 

Israelite, Ishmaelite, and all creatures upon this holy earth, and we say: Amen.

-by Rabbi David Cooper

Clip source: The Shomer Collective

May our lives reflect 

the Greatness of the Divine Name

throughout the world, 

sparks within the Process of Creation.

May the world be guided 

by our highest aspirations, soon, in our lifetimes.

And let us say, Amen.

May the Divine Name be known as a Fountain of Blessings:

praised, honored, beautified, elevated, and exalted

beyond any song or description that has ever been uttered.

And let us say, Amen.

May an all-embracing peace shower down from the heavens, refreshing the lives of all 

the people on earth.

And let us say, Amen.

May the Source of Peace inspire us to make peace for ourselves,

for our community,

and for all the people on earth. And let us say, Amen.

God, full of compassion, dwelling as uplift and within, grant perfect rest under Your sheltering Presence, among the holy and pure who shine with heavenly splendor, to the soul of our dear one who has gone to his/her/their reward. May the Garden of Eternity be his/her/their rest.  Please, Power of Compassion, shade him/her/them in the shadow of Your wing forever.  May his/her/their soul be bound in the bonds of eternal life.  May Adonai be his/her/their inheritance, and may he/she/they rest in peace.  And let us say, Amen.
 

Judaism provides structure after a loss to help the bereaved move through grief and mourning, and helps the supporter define their role and obligation to any given mourner in their community. 

If a loved one is facing the end of their life, it can help to become familiar with common Hebrew words used in grief: Shiva (seven days of mourning after burial); Kaddish (prayer said in memory of the deceased, for 30 days when mourning a spouse or sibling, and one year when mourning a parent); Shloshim (the first 30 days after burial); Yahrzeit (anniversary of the death and burial, marked annually); and Yizkor (memorial prayer recited on Yom Kippur, and the last days of Sukkot, Passover, and Shavuot). These are the traditional frameworks, however, modern Judaism allows flexibility in using these tools. As our circles of who is in our community grow, we offer some ideas for getting and giving support through each step of the grief and mourning process. 

There are some challenges mourners face that can be avoided. While there are any number of checklists to help you with the time-consuming logistics of death (ex: securing essential documents, accessing the will, buying a funeral plot, etc.), we would like to highlight how you as the mourner may be able to ease the process of losing an important person in a Jewish context.

Here are some practical suggestions when the death of a loved one is imminent: 

• If possible, speak to your loved one and try to understand their wishes including burial instructions, funeral arrangements, clergy preference, whom to notify.
• Identify your support system. Who are your people? Do you have a trusted friend or non-immediate family member available to field inquiries about a funeral/memorial and if you opt to sit shiva? Think about the gifts friends might have - are they fabulous cooks? Super organized? Great at communication? A good shoulder to cry on? Gifted with your kids?  The time when a death is imminent is a good time to inform key friends that you will need help in the weeks ahead and see if they can be counted on.  Friends and neighbors want to feel agency when they see someone hurting. Some people naturally find their place and know how to help, but others need help identifying how they can be helpful to you in your time of need. 
• If you don’t have a circle of friends, perhaps consider joining a synagogue, JCC, support group, or other organization that aligns with your values and has systems in place to support mourners. Virtual communities can be helpful if you don’t live in a community with many Jewish spaces. 
• If it’s your custom to speak at the funeral, consider taking some notes ahead of the loss about what makes your person your person. 
• Consider calling or appointing someone to call the funeral home with pertinent details. 
• Consider learning about Jewish death and mourning customs. Judaism has a custom of Shmira (guarding the body before it is interred) and Tahara (ritual bathing of the body). Jews are often buried in a plain pine box in a simple shroud. Ask the dying person if that is something that they want. One can employ many rituals to help with the grieving process like shiva, kaddish, and shloshim [Visit Recustom’s End of Life page and My Jewish Learning for definitions)
• Consider hiring an end-of-life doula who works through a Jewish lens. You can find a list from Shomer Collective here.  
• If finances are a hurdle, identify where you can find support like the Hebrew Free Burial Society or something similar in your community. 
• If you have children, call teachers before death to make a support plan and get ideas for supporting children and teens. 
• Consider attending a grief support group. 
• Advocate for taking bereavement leave at your job so that you can take some time during the acute mourning phase or even later (typically the first week in uncomplicated deaths).  
• If you are sitting shiva, think about where you can do this. If your home is unavailable, many synagogues or funeral homes have a room for shiva. 
• Consider whether you will need to coordinate with other family members. Will travel logistics be part of the equation?

With some planning, it may be easier to have support during this challenging time.