Finding room for the Fifth Child

Someone may be missing from the Seder table

BY PAUL WIEDER ON APRIL 12, 2022

The Seder serves up a few famous "fours:" Four Cups, Four Questions, and Four Children. Today, however, many Seders mention a "Fifth" Child - the one who is not at the table. Why are they missing? The answers, as befitting a Jewish question, are many. 

As early as 1957, Rabbi Menachem Schneerson, founder of the modern Chabad movement, listed the Four Children. He then identified "another child: The child conspicuous by his absence from the Seder service, who has no interest in Torah and mitzvot, laws, and customs, who is not even aware of the Seder, of the  Exodus... We must make every effort to save that 'lost' child, to bring the absentee to the Seder table." 

Recently, blogger Yeruchem Eilfort revisited this letter, suggesting two more potential reasons for the Fifth Child's absence: "1) They have no place to attend. 2) They do not care to." 

One reason they may be boycotting the Seder? Estrangement from the family hosting it. Author Michael Levin posited in 2021 that the Fifth Child "is the relative who, for whatever reason, we don't speak to." 

The problem is, he continues, "that everyone's waiting for everyone else to take the all-important first step." To break the estrangement, Levin says we should emulate not Moses, but another Passover hero - Nachshon, the first one to wade into the yet-unparted Red Sea: "Nachshon didn't wait for others to take the first step. He took it, and everyone benefited." 

Others explain that the Fifth Child is missing from the Seder because they are one of the 1.5 million children who perished during the Shoah. As Eytan Kenter wrote in The Times of Israel in 2020, "…This is a child who is unable to be present, but whose presence is very keenly felt." 

While Kenter refers to the child who is missing because they died, Hasidah, an organization that addresses Jewish infertility, suggests the Fifth Child may be the one who was never born at all. 

Reproductive psychologist Julie Bindeman wrote on Hasidah's website in 2019 that the Fifth Child is: "the child those struggling with infertility are working to create-or the child that almost was, but the pregnancy ended before its completion." 

Writer and artist Gregory Uzelac, however, says that the Fifth Child's absence may not necessarily be literal. The Fifth Child may be physically present at the Seder, yet not be able to participate on a mental or emotional level. They are there, but they, unfortunately, may feel distant.  

The traditional Fourth Child is the one Who Does Not Know How to Ask-Uzelac's Fifth Child, is "The Child Who Is Not Able to Ask, forbidden from questioning the world around them. A child whose circumstances are totally debilitating." 

Uzelac, arguing for inclusion, offers many reasons for this Fifth Child's wanting to ask questions, but being blocked from doing so by some external force. He includes those who may have difficulty communicating due to a disability, those made to feel that their input is unwanted due to abuse, and those who are members of marginalized and ostracized groups. 

"The Fifth Child was a slave in Egypt and is a slave today," Uzelac says, "be it to society, their home, or their very bodies. We must ask questions on their behalf and work to free them." 

And then there is attorney Donald B. Susswein who says that one question or comment is not enough for the Fifth Child he envisions. This one needs a whole Seder, he felt-so he wrote one, titled Haggadah for the Fifth Child, published in 2010. 

To Susswein, the Fifth Child may call the Seder itself into question, asking: "Did the Exodus really happen? Did God actually talk to Moses?" While the Wicked Child excludes themselves from the Seder, Susswein's Fifth Child seeks to exclude the whole Passover story from history, and so must be addressed with carefully chosen words.  

With the Fifth Child, we have Seder participants who are, respectively: wise, wicked, simple, quiet-and gone. When we repeat the Haggadah's immortal words, "Let all who are hungry come at eat," we should also ask what this absent child may be hungry for. 

The story of passover includes discussions of slavery and oppression. While we would love for this to be only a discussion of the past, these topics are still part of our lives today.

When we talk about being delivered from Egypt, we use the word Mitzrayim, which has been translated as a narrow place.

What are the narrow places we know from our own life experience? Are we still in a narrow place and longing for deliverance?

No topic of conversation is forbidden at the seder table.

The seder officially begins with a physical act: lighting the candles.  In Jewish tradition, lighting candles and saying a blessing over them marks a time of transition, from the day that is ending to the one that is beginning, from ordinary time to sacred time.  Lighting the candles is an important part of our Passover celebration because their flickering light reminds us of the importance of keeping the fragile flame of freedom alive in the world.

Baruch Atah Adonai Eloheinu melech ha'olam asher kid'shanu b'mitzvotav, v'tzivanu l'hadlik ner shel Yom Tov.

Blessed are You, Adonai our God, Ruler of the Universe, who has sanctified us with laws and commanded us to light the festival lights.

As we light the festival candles, we acknowledge that as they brighten our Passover table, good thoughts, good words, and good deeds brighten our days.

The Seder Plate

We place a Seder Plate at our table as a reminder to discuss certain aspects of the Passover story. Each item has its own significance.

Maror – The bitter herb. This symbolizes the harshness of lives of the Jews in Egypt.

Charoset – A delicious mix of sweet wine, apples, cinnamon and nuts that resembles the mortar used as bricks of the many buildings the Jewish slaves built in Egypt

Karpas – A green vegetable, usually parsley, is a reminder of the green sprouting up all around us during spring and is used to dip into the saltwater

Zeroah – A roasted lamb or shank bone symbolizing the sacrifice made at the great temple on Passover (The Paschal Lamb)

Beitzah – The egg symbolizes a different holiday offering that was brought to the temple. Since eggs are the first item offered to a mourner after a funeral, some say it also evokes a sense of mourning for the destruction of the temple.

Orange - The orange on the seder plate has come to symbolize full inclusion in modern day Judaism: not only for women, but also for people with disabilities, intermarried couples, and the LGBT Community.

Matzah

Matzah is the unleavened bread we eat to remember that when the jews fled Egypt, they didn’t even have time to let the dough rise on their bread. We commemorate this by removing all bread and bread products from our home during Passover.

Elijah’s Cup

The fifth ceremonial cup of wine poured during the Seder. It is left untouched in honor of Elijah, who, according to tradition, will arrive one day as an unknown guest to herald the advent of the Messiah. During the Seder dinner, biblical verses are read while the door is briefly opened to welcome Elijah. In this way the Seder dinner not only commemorates the historical redemption from Egyptian bondage of the Jewish people but also calls to mind their future redemption when Elijah and the Messiah shall appear.

Miriam’s Cup

Another relatively new Passover tradition is that of Miriam’s cup. The cup is filled with water and placed next to Elijah’s cup. Miriam was the sister of Moses and a prophetess in her own right. After the exodus when the Israelites are wandering through the desert, just as Hashem gave them Manna to eat, legend says that a well of water followed Miriam and it was called ‘Miriam’s Well’. The tradition of Miriam’s cup is meant to honor Miriam’s role in the story of the Jewish people and the spirit of all women, who nurture their families just as Miriam helped sustain the Israelites.

Pesach is a time of inclusion.

On seder night, there are two moments where we metaphorically open our doors and invite others in. One is at the opening of the Magid portion of the seder, when we say, “All who are hungry come and eat.” There is a beautiful message here: we were once slaves; poor and hungry, and we remember our redemption by sharing what we have with others.

The other, comes towards the end of the seder, when we have the custom of pouring a fifth cup of wine, which we claim is for Elijah the Prophet. This is a statement of faith, a statement that says that although we are a free people, our redemption is not yet complete, and we believe that it will come.

From the most downtrodden to the most celebrated, the message is clear: everyone is welcome and everyone is necessary. Why is it that we go out of our way to include all at our seder table? Perhaps it is because when we make room for others, we have the opportunity to make room for ourselves as well. In fact, the Mishnah (Pesahim 10:5) teaches us that:

בכל דור ודור חייב אדם לראות את עצמו כאילו הוא יצא ממצרים In every generation a person is obligated to see themselves as if they left Egypt

The seder presents us with the obligation of identifying with the generation that left Egypt and internalizing that experience. And through that internalization, we come to feel the redemption as if it was our own as well to - לראות את עצמו. Further, the reliving of the story of the Exodus affords us the opportunity see one’s true self. It is only when we are able to see ourselves clearly, that we are able to be redeemed. But perhaps the only way we are able to see ourselves, is when we are truly able to see those around us. This message of inclusion is Pardes’s message too, and our hope is that this Haggadah Companion which offers something for everyone, will add new meaning to your seder and help bring the Jewish people a little closer together.

Dayeinu by carrie sarah kaufman
 

If we have checked in with our hearts today

Dayeinu

If we have made a cup of tea

Dayeinu

If we have sent a prayer to loved ones

Dayeinu

If we have closed our eyes at night

Dayeinu

If we have given what we can

Dayeinu

If we have listened to a hurting friend

Dayeinu

If we have prepared food, or even just eaten some

Dayeinu

If we have committed to change

Dayeinu

If we have found ways to act for change from home

Dayeinu

If we have thanked our ancestors with humility

Dayeinu

If we have brushed our teeth and washed our hands

Dayeinu

If we have hope

Dayeinu

If we are breathing

Dayeinu

~ 

Please, feel welcome to take a moment to add your own Dayeinus