Infertility

If you have a family member or loved one who is on a difficult fertility journey, this resource from Uprooted, a Jewish Response to Fertility Journeys, invites you to empathically consider how it feels to struggle month after month, to exist in the space of waiting and longing.

Research has shown that women with infertility experience high rates of anxiety and depression. Moreover, a prolonged attempt to conceive begins to impact nearly every aspect of life. Marriages can become strained, finances are often impacted, relationships with friends and family (who may be able to achieve pregnancy) become fraught with tension, and even professional life can be impacted due to frequent doctor appointments. 

Infertility changes people. It threatens their perceptions of themselves, their marriage, their expectations for their future and their capacity for efficacy over their own life. Complicated emotional residue often exists in the aftermath of a difficult family-building experience. 

Family-building difficulties can challenge deeply held beliefs about oneself and the world.

Additionally, couples may grapple with how much information to share with family and friends; many couples respond by closing themselves off from others. Due to the very personal nature of procreation, many people do not share their family-building challenges, which can lead to feelings of isolation. Yet, the Jewish community has an opportunity to lessen that isolation by supporting those among us who are struggling to create families.  Our community can benefit from a more thoughtful, holistic approach to the topic of family building.

Can you begin to cut through deep isolation and offer support, and to learn how to do so from a place of true understanding?  

Ideas to Incorporate:

Inclusivity: Infertility is isolating. Some couples who are struggling find it difficult to participate in family or social activities because it is painful to watch young, happy families celebrate holidays or attend family gatherings. Give some thought to how you can include those who feel excluded or who do not have the emotional capacity to partake in such events.

Heightening awareness: For some people, the natural life expectation of parenthood is a painful, difficult and devastating journey. Our communal response must be one of support, tolerance, inclusion and awareness. Create space for those individuals and couples who are still on their family-building journeys.

Mindfulness: All too often, we presume that creating a family is a natural, loving act. It is anguishing to be unable to participate in this essential part of life. If the topic of children arises, be mindful when interacting with people that they may be struggling with something very private and painful.

Empathic response: Consider things that you may take for granted because they align with your lived experience. You would not want to inadvertently worsen someone’s pain with an offhand comment or question. Can you widen your perspective to be more empathic?

This is only a glimpse of what a difficult fertility challenge is like. People go through it in different ways, and the tools above can help you to support people in the best way that you can.

During your fertility journey you may have found yourself feeling trapped, in a situation you did not choose to be in, a body that is not doing what you want it to, and an endless loop of complex decisions. This Passover ritual allows you to experience greater freedom through reflection and a guided meditation.  You may want to perform this ritual in a peaceful and quiet setting that is free from distractions. 

When the Israelites were slaves in Egypt, they were trapped.  They were not allowed to leave, they were not given agency over their lives, and until the sea actually split, it is not clear that they truly believed there was a way out. 

This notion of feeling trapped is very familiar to many on a fertility journey.  You may feel trapped in a body that is not doing what you want or expect it to do.  You may be trapped in a society that bombards you with questions or comments that cause you more pain.  You may feel trapped in a system that is telling you about various things that are “wrong with you.”  You may feel trapped in the waiting game—waiting for the next cycle, the next phone call, the two weeks, the next test, the next idea, the next number. 

You may also feel a loss of agency as the Israelites did--loss of agency over your body, your privacy, your time, your financial resources, your life, and your dreams. 

You may not be able to see a way out.  

When you are on a fertility journey, you may find that you are frequently asking yourself existential and difficult questions.  This Passover ritual offers you an opportunity to honor your questions and to connect them to the Four Questions asked at the Seder.  You will need 4 post-it notes, a pen, and a Haggadah.  You may want to perform this ritual in a peaceful and quiet setting that is free from distractions. 

One of the central elements of the Pesach Seder is the four questions—the Ma Nishtanah.  This aspect of the Seder can be challenging for those of us on a fertility journey because it is often delegated to a child to recite.  However, there is an aspect of this ritual that may offer us an opportunity for healing.  The Ma Nishtanah encourages us to take a moment to ask real questions.  

Some common questions that people ask while struggling along their fertility journeys include “Why me?” “What did I do to deserve this?”  “Why does it work out for those people when I would be such an amazing parent?”  “Will this ever work out for me?”

Passover is a holiday that celebrates the exodus from Egypt in which the Israelites went from slavery to freedom through a series of miraculous events. This exodus was the beginning of the process that led the Israelites to the Promised Land. This transition from slavery to freedom is commemorated through a Passover seder and the practice of eating unleavened bread known as matzah.

In many ways the fertility journey parallels the journey of the Israelites.  There are many elements of the struggle to grow one’s family that can make one feel trapped and powerless, while one is constantly dreaming of breaking free and arriving at the Promised Land.  

The rituals in the booklet are designed by Uprooted, a Jewish Response to Fertility Journeys, to offer opportunities for connection and healing.  They synthesize the themes and practices of Passover with the experiences of a fertility journey. You may want to explore them before the holiday in order to prepare, or you want to engage with them during the holiday itself.  We hope that they will offer you much support, comfort and inspiration as you experience Passover this year.

In a song from TRYmester: Jewish Fertility Journeys Out Loud, the song writers Naomi Less and Glenn Grossman put into words a such critical question: 

So where am I 

Right at the beginning where I stand

And when can I 

Feel that I am nearer to the end

This song is about wanting to know “where am I on this journey?”  Is it almost over, is this the last month, the final treatment, the last attempt, the last high hope, the last disappointment, and then will it all work out?