Infertility

In a song from TRYmester: Jewish Fertility Journeys Out Loud, the song writers Naomi Less and Glenn Grossman put into words a such critical question: 

So where am I 

Right at the beginning where I stand

And when can I 

Feel that I am nearer to the end

This song is about wanting to know “where am I on this journey?”  Is it almost over, is this the last month, the final treatment, the last attempt, the last high hope, the last disappointment, and then will it all work out?

Passover is a holiday that celebrates the exodus from Egypt in which the Israelites went from slavery to freedom through a series of miraculous events. This exodus was the beginning of the process that led the Israelites to the Promised Land. This transition from slavery to freedom is commemorated through a Passover seder and the practice of eating unleavened bread known as matzah.

In many ways the fertility journey parallels the journey of the Israelites.  There are many elements of the struggle to grow one’s family that can make one feel trapped and powerless, while one is constantly dreaming of breaking free and arriving at the Promised Land.  

The rituals in the booklet are designed by Uprooted, a Jewish Response to Fertility Journeys, to offer opportunities for connection and healing.  They synthesize the themes and practices of Passover with the experiences of a fertility journey. You may want to explore them before the holiday in order to prepare, or you want to engage with them during the holiday itself.  We hope that they will offer you much support, comfort and inspiration as you experience Passover this year.

When you are on a fertility journey, you may find that you are frequently asking yourself existential and difficult questions.  This Passover ritual offers you an opportunity to honor your questions and to connect them to the Four Questions asked at the Seder.  You will need 4 post-it notes, a pen, and a Haggadah.  You may want to perform this ritual in a peaceful and quiet setting that is free from distractions. 

One of the central elements of the Pesach Seder is the four questions—the Ma Nishtanah.  This aspect of the Seder can be challenging for those of us on a fertility journey because it is often delegated to a child to recite.  However, there is an aspect of this ritual that may offer us an opportunity for healing.  The Ma Nishtanah encourages us to take a moment to ask real questions.  

Some common questions that people ask while struggling along their fertility journeys include “Why me?” “What did I do to deserve this?”  “Why does it work out for those people when I would be such an amazing parent?”  “Will this ever work out for me?”

During your fertility journey you may have found yourself feeling trapped, in a situation you did not choose to be in, a body that is not doing what you want it to, and an endless loop of complex decisions. This Passover ritual allows you to experience greater freedom through reflection and a guided meditation.  You may want to perform this ritual in a peaceful and quiet setting that is free from distractions. 

When the Israelites were slaves in Egypt, they were trapped.  They were not allowed to leave, they were not given agency over their lives, and until the sea actually split, it is not clear that they truly believed there was a way out. 

This notion of feeling trapped is very familiar to many on a fertility journey.  You may feel trapped in a body that is not doing what you want or expect it to do.  You may be trapped in a society that bombards you with questions or comments that cause you more pain.  You may feel trapped in a system that is telling you about various things that are “wrong with you.”  You may feel trapped in the waiting game—waiting for the next cycle, the next phone call, the two weeks, the next test, the next idea, the next number. 

You may also feel a loss of agency as the Israelites did--loss of agency over your body, your privacy, your time, your financial resources, your life, and your dreams. 

You may not be able to see a way out.  

Let’s take this opportunity to honor all of your questions. 

In honoring and making space for your questions you may also need to do something really challenging.  You may need to accept that though we have powerful questions, we may not have, nor will we ever have, sufficient answers for all of these questions. You may need to find ways to reside in this space of uncertainty. 

Sometimes others may attempt to answer your questions if you are courageous enough to ask them out loud, but their answers may come in the form of platitudes such as “Everything happens for a reason”  “Or everything will be fine”  or “Look at how successful you are in other areas of your life” etc.    It may be an act of self-care for you to find a way to live without clear answers and to explore these questions further. 

Consider four questions that you are carrying in your heart as a result of your fertility journey.  Please write one question of each of the four post-it notes. 

You may want to open your Haggadah to the place where Ma Nishtanah appears.  Please stick your four post-it note questions on this page.  During the Seder, when you reach the Ma Nishtanah, give yourself the opportunity to ask your questions.  You may ask them privately by silently reading them in your mind, or you may want to share them aloud. 

After asking your questions, allow yourself a few minutes to just breathe and allow whatever emotions arise to pass through you.  If you do choose to share your questions with someone, you may want to say that you are not inviting that person to offer answers.  If there are any answers to these questions they likely only reside within you.  You are honoring what is in your heart and giving those questions a voice.  By doing so, you may find that you are able to continue on your way without answers and still find peace and freedom.