What is the purpose of this ritual?

What is the desired impact of this ritual? 

Does this ritual revolve around a particular person or group of people, lifecycle event, pr change of seasons? 

Transition or Transformation: Is the focus of this ritual to transition or transform the key person from one state to another? Reinforce a current state? Build up protection, support, or something else for the key person or people? (For example: letting go, welcoming in, clearing energy)

Tashlich is a time for introspection and reflection.  The rituals in this book were designed to offer you an opportunity to weave your fertility journey into this experience in an intentional and meaningful way.  Feel free to use these rituals in the way that is most nurturing and fitting for you, and is reflective of how you are feeling at this time about your fertility journey. 

As you think about the year ahead and consider what blessing you may want to shower upon yourself, the following excerpt from the Tashlich liturgy may be a source of inspiration. 

תִּתֵּן לָֽנוּ חַיִים אֲרוּכִים.
חַיִּים שֶׁל שָׁלוֹם,
חַיִּים שֶׁל טוֹבָה,
חַיִּים שֶׁל בְּרָכָה,
חַיִּים שֶׁל עֽשֶׁר וְכָבוֹד,
חַיִּים שֶׁתְמַלֵּא כָּל מִשְׁאֲלוֹת לִבֵּֽנוּ לְטוֹבָה.

Ti’ten lanu chaim aruchim,
Chaim shel shalom,
Chaim shel tova,
Chaim shel bracha,
Chaim shel osher v’kavod,
Chaim she’timalai kol misha’alot li’benu le’tova

Grant us long life,
a life of peace,
a life of goodness,
a life of blessing,
a life of prosperity and honor,
a life in which the longings of your heart are fulfilled through goodness.

May these rituals offer you an opportunity to experience Tashlich in a deeper, more personal way and may they allow you to find comfort, inspiration, and support as you continue along your journey. 

While the Jewish tradition has many meaningful liturgical and ceremonial resources for some of life’s transitions, many of us long for a creative or personalized ritual that speaks to the senses, incorporates nature, and brings alive a diversity of voices.

Originally Published on Arq as Becoming a Parent: Part I - Owning Your Journey.

Kohenet Shamirah Bechirah created this ritual weaving guide for, with help from Rabbi Jill Hammer and Kohenet Ketzirah Lesser, for anyone to imagine personalized, original rituals.

This Rosh Hashanah ritual offers you an opportunity to reconnect with elements of yourself that you have turned your focus away from during your fertility journey. Through a personal narrative and a mini-vision circle, this ritual invites you to reawaken these parts of yourself and to craft actions which will help you to do so.  You may want to perform the first part of this ritual in a peaceful and quiet place and then invite others to join you for its conclusion.

One of the central themes of Rosh Hashanah is teshuva.   Teshuva is often translated as repentance, but the root of the word really means to return.  It is the act of returning to God, to our community, and to a better version of ourselves.  It is the process of returning to the person we were meant to be before we veered off in another direction. 

When considering teshuva within the context of a fertility journey, we might think of teshuva as the reawakening of some of the positive aspects of ourselves that we may not have been able to nurture during this struggle. You may have been so busy with all of the things you are doing in order to grow your family that you have not had time to care for other parts of your personality, your social life, your interests, and your soul.

Consider which aspects of yourself have you placed aside and ignored as you progressed in your fertility journey?   

Ex. I used to love cooking and no longer have time for that.  My social life is vastly diminished since all my friends are pregnant or have kids and it’s too difficult to hang out. I used to paint, but now I don’t feel inspired to do so.)
 

Perhaps this Rosh Hashanah can be a time for you to explore teshuva , and return to this aspect of yourself.   Begin this teshuva ritual by reading Jill’s personal narrative which appears in Fertility Journeys: A Jewish Healing Guide.  

Returning to Exercise
Before I started my fertility journey, I was a very active person.  I went to the gym multiple times a week, and I especially loved taking yoga and dance classes.  Staying healthy in this way not only benefited my body but it also nourished my soul.  I remember so many times, walking out of a dance class feeling alive and energized.  

I was very surprised when I found myself having trouble conceiving. I was so active and healthy, I never thought I would have a problem. I felt so angry at my body for failing me.  How could it betray me when I treated it so well? I’m not sure if I did this as a subconscious act of revenge or if it just was a result of my circumstances, but the deeper I got into my fertility journey, the less I exercised.   By three years in, I was no longer going to the gym at all. 

When speaking with a friend of mine, she gently asked me why I no longer danced or worked out?  When I replied with the same excuses I always said when people I knew from the gym said that they missed me--I am too busy, I am too tired, I have too much else going on etc.--she seemed sad.  She said, “but being active always made you so happy and fulfilled, what are you doing to fill that void?” That was a question for which I simply did not have an answer.
 

Consider any elements of yourself that you have set aside since you began your fertility journey.  You may want to make a list on your paper and see how many you come up with. For each item that you add to your list, ask Why did I stop doing this? How do I usually feel when I engage in this activity? How could I integrate this aspect of myself back into my life?  You may want to explore these questions by journal or thinking them through. 

Next, select one that you feel you would derive the most benefit from reengaging.  Design a plan for how you will introduce this element of yourself back into your life. 

To help these plans become a reality, create for yourself a mini-vision circle. A vision circle is a gathering in which people share visions that they have or plans that they are going to carry out, while others listen, witness these commitments and circle back to check in on these plans at a later date.  You do not need to gather a whole group of people, but think about how you can share your plan to reintroduce this element into your life with others so that you can have this kind of support. 

You may want to send out an email to a few people and ask them to check in with you in a set timeframe to see how you are doing.  You may want to post on social media – you can share this endeavor without explaining that this is a result of struggling to grow your family.   Tell at least two people, but if you are able to share this with more people, that can strengthen you further. 

As you take the time to perform this act of teshuva, notice how it changes and impacts you.  Do you feel more like your authentic self? Do you feel more alive?  Do you feel more soulful?  If so, perhaps you may want to select other elements from your list and find ways to bring them back into your life as well. 

This Rosh Hashanah ritual is crafted around the practice of sounding the shofar.  It invites you to create a safe space to express your longing for a child by allowing yourself to express sounds that are similar to the shofar blasts.  You may want to perform this ritual in a peaceful, quiet place where you are alone and free from distractions. 

One of the central rituals of Rosh Hashanah is the sounding of the shofar. There are a number of different perspectives on why we blow the shofar. One idea is that the shofar comes to wake us up to become better people and be more cognizant of our actions.  The loud noise of the shofar can jolt us and propel us toward action.  

However there is another understanding of the meaning of the shofar blasts, which describes it as being a mother’s cry as she worries about and longs for her child.  The mother of Sisera is described in the Book of Judges as someone who is in distress since her son has not yet come home from war.  Sisera, an army general who is the enemy of the Jewish people, is already dead when the text discusses his mother.  However, she does not seem to know that yet.   The verse states:

(Judges 5:28)
And she wailed bitterly
Va’yitabev Em Sisera
 וַתְּיַבֵּ֛ב אֵ֥ם סִֽיסְרָ֖א

If the shofar blasts are meant to mimic the sobs of Sisera’s mother, then there is a deep and intrinsic connection between the sound of the shofar and of a parent longing for a child.  Though the mother of Sisera may have already birthed her child, he is gone and so her heart is longing.  A parent who has not yet met their child and is struggling to grow their family also has a heart that is longing.

There is powerful healing in using one’s voice and allowing oneself to wail.  By emulating the shofar, you can release some of the deep-seated pain you might be holding inside and that may feel constricting and overwhelming.  This ritual offers you the opportunity to release some of that pain though your voice. 

I invite you to find a place in your home where you can be completely alone.  You may choose to do this ritual when you are the only one home, or in a room where nobody can hear you.  You are looking to find a place where you can be alone in order to remove any feelings of inhibition and allow yourself to use your voice without reservation. 

Once you have found the perfect place, I invite you to take three deep breaths.  You can start expressing your voice with the shofar blast called the tekiah.  A tekiah is one long, continuous sound.  When you feel ready, use your voice and make one long continuous sound. You may find that what your body releases is a cry, or a scream, or a note from a song.  Whatever comes, welcomes it. 

When your tekiah is complete, I invite you to try the next shofar blast, the shevarim. The shevarim consists of the three consecutive blasts that are shorter than a tekiyah.  When you feel ready, take a breath and then allow these three sounds to come from inside of you. Allow any sound that comes and welcome their expression. 

When you feel ready, try working with the next shofar blast, the teruah.  The teruah is a series of 9 very short consecutive blasts. Allow these short but powerful sounds to emerge from within you.  Do not feel bound by the number nine, but simply allow yourself to go for as long as you need. 

The final blast is the tekiah gedolah.  The tekiah gedolah is a tekiah that is even more elongated. This sound is the final blast after a long series and encompasses all of the others within it.  Before you express this blast, take a deep breath and see if there are any particular moments from your fertility journey that are rising up.  Are there any feelings you have about your journey that you are not able to express through words? Perhaps you can express them through your shofar blast. When you feel ready, allow the tekiah gedolah to emerge from within you. 

After expressing these shofar blasts, you may want to do something nurturing for yourself and allow yourself to rest.  You may want to journal, listen to music, go for a walk in nature, or engage in any other activity that will allow you to process the ritual you just engaged in. 

When you hear the shofar blasts this year, think about the thoughts and feelings that arose for you.  They can serve as guides as you arise to greet the new year.