This Rosh Hashanah ritual offers you an opportunity to reconnect with elements of yourself that you have turned your focus away from during your fertility journey. Through a personal narrative and a mini-vision circle, this ritual invites you to reawaken these parts of yourself and to craft actions which will help you to do so.  You may want to perform the first part of this ritual in a peaceful and quiet place and then invite others to join you for its conclusion.

One of the central themes of Rosh Hashanah is teshuva.   Teshuva is often translated as repentance, but the root of the word really means to return.  It is the act of returning to God, to our community, and to a better version of ourselves.  It is the process of returning to the person we were meant to be before we veered off in another direction. 

When considering teshuva within the context of a fertility journey, we might think of teshuva as the reawakening of some of the positive aspects of ourselves that we may not have been able to nurture during this struggle. You may have been so busy with all of the things you are doing in order to grow your family that you have not had time to care for other parts of your personality, your social life, your interests, and your soul.

Consider which aspects of yourself have you placed aside and ignored as you progressed in your fertility journey?   

Ex. I used to love cooking and no longer have time for that.  My social life is vastly diminished since all my friends are pregnant or have kids and it’s too difficult to hang out. I used to paint, but now I don’t feel inspired to do so.)
 

Perhaps this Rosh Hashanah can be a time for you to explore teshuva , and return to this aspect of yourself.   Begin this teshuva ritual by reading Jill’s personal narrative which appears in Fertility Journeys: A Jewish Healing Guide.  

Returning to Exercise
Before I started my fertility journey, I was a very active person.  I went to the gym multiple times a week, and I especially loved taking yoga and dance classes.  Staying healthy in this way not only benefited my body but it also nourished my soul.  I remember so many times, walking out of a dance class feeling alive and energized.  

I was very surprised when I found myself having trouble conceiving. I was so active and healthy, I never thought I would have a problem. I felt so angry at my body for failing me.  How could it betray me when I treated it so well? I’m not sure if I did this as a subconscious act of revenge or if it just was a result of my circumstances, but the deeper I got into my fertility journey, the less I exercised.   By three years in, I was no longer going to the gym at all. 

When speaking with a friend of mine, she gently asked me why I no longer danced or worked out?  When I replied with the same excuses I always said when people I knew from the gym said that they missed me--I am too busy, I am too tired, I have too much else going on etc.--she seemed sad.  She said, “but being active always made you so happy and fulfilled, what are you doing to fill that void?” That was a question for which I simply did not have an answer.
 

Consider any elements of yourself that you have set aside since you began your fertility journey.  You may want to make a list on your paper and see how many you come up with. For each item that you add to your list, ask Why did I stop doing this? How do I usually feel when I engage in this activity? How could I integrate this aspect of myself back into my life?  You may want to explore these questions by journal or thinking them through. 

Next, select one that you feel you would derive the most benefit from reengaging.  Design a plan for how you will introduce this element of yourself back into your life. 

To help these plans become a reality, create for yourself a mini-vision circle. A vision circle is a gathering in which people share visions that they have or plans that they are going to carry out, while others listen, witness these commitments and circle back to check in on these plans at a later date.  You do not need to gather a whole group of people, but think about how you can share your plan to reintroduce this element into your life with others so that you can have this kind of support. 

You may want to send out an email to a few people and ask them to check in with you in a set timeframe to see how you are doing.  You may want to post on social media – you can share this endeavor without explaining that this is a result of struggling to grow your family.   Tell at least two people, but if you are able to share this with more people, that can strengthen you further. 

As you take the time to perform this act of teshuva, notice how it changes and impacts you.  Do you feel more like your authentic self? Do you feel more alive?  Do you feel more soulful?  If so, perhaps you may want to select other elements from your list and find ways to bring them back into your life as well. 

As you approach the Jewish New Year, you may be reflecting on this past year and might find that regrets or difficult moments from your fertility journey keep rising up.  This Tashlich ritual offers you an opportunity to cleanse yourself of these painful thoughts in a mini-mikveh (ritual immersion pool) and support you in entering the new year feeling rejuvenated. For this ritual you will either need a cup near a body of water or a cup and a large bowl of water.  You may want to perform this ritual in a place that is peaceful, quiet, and free from distractions. 

During the ritual of Tashlich, it is not customary to touch the water, but rather to throw the bread into the water from afar.  However, for this ritual you may want to actually touch the water and to combine the practice of tashlich with the ritual of mikveh. A mikveh is a ritual bath that is thought to help a person enter a state of greater purity. 

This ritual is designed to be done near a body of water, but feel free to instead do it with a bowl of water. 

Tashlich is a time for reflection on the past year, considering what actions from last year might not have served you well. It is also a time to consider how you want to present yourself in the world this coming year and to reimagine the best version of yourself.  

During your fertility journey, there might have been elements of your journey that you wish you had done differently.  Perhaps there were decisions that you made which you do not plan on repeating in the future.  Perhaps there were actions you took, that in retrospect do not appear to have been healthy and nourishing for you. Perhaps this journey impacted your relationship with others in ways that you wish it had not. 

Self-blame is not relevant here, as none of this is reason to fault yourself.  Rather, Tashlich offers us the opportunity to wash away some of these moments we do not plan to repeat and to envision a more positive way forward.

You may want to begin by taking three deep breaths and gently closing your eyes.  Allow moments from this past year to arise in your mind.  Watch them float through your mind as though you were watching a movie.  Simply watch and notice.  Look for anything that makes you cringe or perhaps makes you feel a bit of regret. 

Once you feel as though all the memories that are seeking your attention have received it, gently open your eyes.  Walk over to your water source and take your cup with you. Begin by filling your cup. Start to revisit those memories that you would like to wash away, and as you do so, pour the water from the cup on your hands alternating between right and left.  Keep doing this for as long as you need in order to wash away those moments. 

Once you feel ready, place your cup to the side and gently close your eyes again.  Take a deep breath and envision how you see yourself continuing on your journey this year, as the best version of yourself.  

When you have a clear vision in mind, take your hands and immerse them into the water.  Hold this beautiful vision in your mind and feel the healing waters embrace your hands.  When you feel complete, remove your hands, but invite the image to stay with you even after the water has dried.  Allow it to guide you and inspire you as you enter the new year. 

This Passover ritual focuses on the four cups of wine and their expressions of freedom. Fertility journeys are often bereft of freedom, as the struggle to build your family, may leave you feeling stuck.  This ritual invites you to explore what freedom feels like through reflection and the creation of a vision board.  You will need 4 blank pieces of paper, tape or glue, scissors, pens or markers, and a few magazines. You may want to perform this ritual in a peaceful setting that is free from distractions, and you may want to have soothing music alongside you.   

Take your four pieces of paper and write one of each of these expressions of freedom on the top of the page.  You may choose to do this in whichever language you prefer.  Design a vision board full of images that you may choose to cut out from the magazines, or that you may draw yourself.  You can also write, paste objects on your vision board, or add to them in any way that speaks to you.  

Here are the prompts for each board/piece of paper:

1. וְהֽוֹצֵאתִ֣י Ve’hotzeiti: And I brought you out: You may have been in some very unpleasant places or challenging situations during your journey.  Think of a place that you associate with peacefulness and freedom.  Create an image of this beautiful place on your page. 
2. וְהִצַּלְתִּ֥י Ve’hitzalti: And I saved you:  There may have been times during your journey when you felt unsafe emotionally, or perhaps in other ways as well.  Create an image that represents a place that you associate with feeling fully safe.  This place may be real or imagined. 
3. וְגָֽאַלְתִּ֤י Ve’gaalti: And I redeemed you: One way of understanding redemption is that it is a transformation in which a person becomes a new version of themselves.  I invite you to consider: what does the best version of yourself look like?  What do you do?  How do you show up in the world?  Create an image on this board that reflects this best version of yourself.  
4. וְלָֽקַחְתִּ֨י Ve’lakachti: And I took you: This expression invites you to consider where it is you would like to go.  What does your Promised Land look like?  Create on this page an image of your ideal life and your dream. 

As you are creating these images you may want to put on some nourishing music and possibly even sip some grape juice or wine.

You may want to bring these four boards to a Passover Seder and place them on the table or hang them somewhere in the room.  If you find that they offer you healing and inspiration, then please place them somewhere strategic and use them after Pesach as well.  You may want to place them by your bed so you see them as you fall asleep and as you wake up. Maybe they live in your car and accompany you on your travels.  Or perhaps you may want to hang them on your wall or place them where you place other family photos.  

If you find yourself at a Passover Seder where you feel comfortable doing so, you may want to share one of these pages during each of the four cups of wine/grape juice.

This Rosh Hashanah ritual offers you an opportunity to reflect on any feelings of loss you have experienced and to mark them in a meaningful way.  With a thoughtful twist on eating challah with honey on Rosh Hashanah, this ritual invites you to express your wishes for this coming year and to symbolically ingest them.  For this ritual you will need pomegranate seeds, a round challah, a bowl of honey, a bubbly drink –alcoholic or non alcoholic–a paper, and a pen. You may want to perform this ritual in a peaceful place with a surface or table.

Rosh Hashanah is a time for reflection, introspection, and personal growth.  It is a time to look back on the year that just passed, and note what we experienced and what choices we made.  

Reflection is rarely easy, but this year you may find it to be particularly challenging.  As you look back on this year, you may be reviewing a year filled with fertility struggles.  You may also notice that you are looking back on a year overshadowed by loss. 

If you were deeply engrossed in your fertility journey this past year, it is likely that you have suffered loss.  Your loss may or may not have been an actual pregnancy loss, as loss comes in so many forms along this journey.  Let’s take a moment to acknowledge these losses and reflect on how they impacted our year. 

To make space to acknowledge the loss you experienced this past year, begin by simply counting the number of losses.  This may be impossible since you may have experienced loss in so many areas, but for the purpose of this ritual, come up with a number.  This will become clear as we progress with this ritual. 

Here is a list of some losses that you may have experienced to help you work towards a number. Count how many of these you experienced this year.

1) Pregnancy loss
2) Late -term pregnancy loss
3) Loss due to a birth defect
4) Loss of one twin
5) Loss of the experience of conceiving without assistance
6) Loss of agency over your body
7) Loss of a feeling of certainty or security
8) Loss of your peace of mind
9) Loss of peace in your marriage or partnership 
10) Loss of the timeline you envisioned for building your family
11)Loss of a closeness with a particular friend
12) Loss of your ability to be fully present
13) Loss of your ability to succeed professionally 
14) Loss of confidence or connection with your body
15) Loss of a dream
16)Another loss not on this list 

If there are any other losses that are not on this list, please feel free to add them. 

Feel free to write the number down on your paper, and then shift your focus to the next step of this ritual.  

Rosh Hashanah is also a time during which people express their thoughts and wishes for the upcoming year.  This too may feel emotionally challenging, particularly if you have hoped and prayed for the same thing year after year and you have still not been able to build or grow your family. 

Rosh Hashanah is replete with rituals to express these desires for the coming year, most famously, dipping the apple in honey.  

How can we perform this and other such rituals in a meaningful way when our feelings about another year are so complex?

Begin with your pomegranate seeds.  Please count out one pomegranate seed for each of the losses you counted from the list. 

Pomegranate seeds are a traditional Rosh Hashanah food, but they have a bitter taste.  Hold these seeds, these memories of what you have been through this year, and drop them gently into the honey.

We are dropping them gently in the honey to express the idea that just because a new year is beginning, the losses from the previous year do not simply go away.  The pain still resides within us, it can stick to us as we walk a tightrope between loss and hope, between pain and joy, between the bitter pomegranate seeds and the sweet honey.   While honoring these losses, we are still looking to add sweetness into the coming year and hoping that this year will be sweeter than the last.  The honey represents this sweetness, and so we mix the bitter and the sweet. 

With the pomegranate seeds mixed into the honey, dip a piece of round challah into the mixture.  The round challah represents the cycles of the year and the cycle of life.  For our ritual the challah also represents you – the center of it all – you, the strong foundation that can carry both of these elements, and take them with you into the New Year.  You can still pursue sweetness even when you are carrying loss in your heart.  You are resilient enough, strong like that challah carrying the pomegranate seeds and honey at the same time. 

Finally, pour yourself a glass of champagne or something non-alcoholic with bubbles.  Allow yourself a moment of appreciation for all you have endured and feel profound respect for your strength, wisdom, and compassion.  Allow your drink to bring you new breath through its bubbles—new air for you to breathe, new energy to keep you going, along with a flair of celebration, allowing you to celebrate the person you are despite and because of this struggle.

Before you drink your bubbly drink, you may want to offer a compassionate phrase to yourselves.  This phrase is part of the Avinu Malkeinu prayer, which is a central prayer recited on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur:

 תְּהֵא הַשָּׁעָה הַזֹּאת שְׁעַת רַחֲמִים
Tehei hasha’at hazot sha’at rachamim
May this moment be a time for compassion

You may want to allow yourself the opportunity to recite this phrase and fill in the blank to express whatever is in your heart.  Feel free to recite it as many times as you have answers to place in the blank.  

May this moment be a time of __________

(for example: May this moment be a time for understanding) 

May you enjoy your bubbly drink and your challah and honey/pomegranate seeds.  May the world be compassionate towards you and may you be compassionate towards yourself.

This Shabbat ritual is crafted around Challah and the custom of eating it with either salt or honey. It invites you to welcome more sweetness into your life through your tastebuds. For this ritual you will need 2 Challot or Challah rolls, honey, and salt. You may want to perform this ritual at your Shabbat table, or to keep it in mind anytime that you eat Challah on Shabbat. 

Some people have the custom to put honey on their challah before eating it. This is practiced widely from Rosh Hashanah until Simchat Torah, as it expresses a desire and prayer for the New Year to be sweet. There are others who do so during their first year of marriage, expressing their desire that their first year of marriage, and all the years to follow, be sweet like honey. 

However, on a typical Shabbat during the year, many have the custom of putting salt on the challah before eating it. One idea behind this custom is that it acknowledges that even as we enjoy our sweet challah, or a moment of joy in our life, we can’t be fully immersed in that experience of sweetness without noting that there is still so much suffering in the world.  

During a fertility journey, the feelings of salt may be abundant. You may not need a weekly reminder that everything is not as perfect as it appears.  

Perhaps what you need is a bit more honey in your life. You may need some extra sweetness from your loved ones, yourself, and the universe.   

Perhaps it would be a meaningful practice for you to start dipping your challah in honey on Friday nights during your fertility journey. This ritual may offer you a meaningful way for you to acknowledge how challenging this journey is and offer yourself a bit of additional sweetness as you endure and traverse all the bumps in the road.  

When you are ready, you may want to say the blessing and drizzle honey on your challah.

Praised are you, Lord our God, Ruler of the universe, who brings forth bread from the earth.

Baruch Atah Adonai Eloheinu melech ha’olam, ha’motzei lechem min ha’aretz

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְ‑יָ אֱ‑לֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם הַמּוֹצִיא לֶחֶם מִן הָאָרֶץ

As you eat you eat your challah and taste the sweet honey, dream about other ways that you can perform acts of kindness for yourself and bring more sweetness into your life. You may want to choose one act of self-care that you are going to commit to doing this week. Perhaps that too can become a weekly personal practice. 

May this week be a week of sweetness. May it be a week in which you treat yourself with kindness and show yourself abundant love. 

Source: Uprooted

Have each each guest bring a bead. Bless the beads as each is added to a necklace that strings them together. Give the necklace to the parent(s)-to-be as a reminder of the love and support of their community. (via Kohenet Ahavah Lilith Aly Evershine)