People often talk about Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – as if they happen in order. They think that one must completely go through one stage before moving to the next, and when they finally get to the end, they will never grieve again. You might hear people say things like “Oh I’ve moved on from denial, and now I think I’m entering the angry stage.” But this isn’t often the case.

Emotional healing from pregnancy loss does not happen in a prescribed way. Kübler-Ross, in her writing, makes it clear that the stages are not linear – people can experience these aspects of grief at different times and they do not happen in one particular order. It’s unpredictable at best, and does not follow any specified pattern or rules. 

Anger, sadness, relief, shock, guilt, numbness, frustration, yearning, desperation, loneliness….and more. They do not happen in any particular order, may happen over and over again, or may even be triggered by unexpected things. Every day, every week, every month, and even every year may come with a new (or newly revived) emotion. 

These are all normal when it comes to grief.

It’s normal to…

• Feel numb or feel nothing at all
• Feel your baby kicking (phantom kicks)
• Be angry at everyone and everything
• Feel physically ill
• Feel anxious all the time
• Not be hungry or want to eat all the time
• Not be able to sleep or sleep all the time
• Cry all the time or not be able to cry
• Go over and over every detail of what happened 

What you are feeling….whatever you are feeling…It’s normal. Because grief doesn’t do as you say. And trying to control it can be anywhere from difficult to impossible. 

It isn’t surprising that people struggle so much after infertility and/or loss. So many of us have been there too, and calling it ‘hard’ would be an understatement. But we do have the ability to learn to live with our grief. We are born with that gift. 

Remind yourself that you can do this. You are not broken. You are changed. You can grow with this change and learn to live with it. It’s not about getting through it - it’s about learning to live with it. Give yourself love as you try to wade through all the waves of emotion. 

Reflection Prompts 

• What emotions are most prominent in your grief? 
• How frequently do you find yourself cycling through different emotions about your grief?
• How long do/did others expect your grief to last?
• What does your grief feel like today?

Source: I was Supposed to Have a Baby

Someone who is infertile already feels othered because of their need to seek medical support to have a family, something that many people can do naturally. When you combine that with the lack of affordable options, and the absence of some kind of insurance coverage or stipend from an organization, it means having a child will be out of reach for most. And that is a sobering thought.   

So let’s break the costs down - Did you know that the average cost to couples undergoing in-vitro fertilization (IVF) can be as much as $25,000 in the US? Prevailing research has shown that the financial burden is one of the greatest weights on those undergoing treatment. Or how about the fact that cost is often a major deciding factor as to whether people are willing to continue treatment or not? And did you realize that if someone needs treatment, and even if they have great insurance, they might spend more than they would on their house down payment, just for the chance at a single child? 

Let’s break down some costs: While some people who need intervention from a reproductive endocrinologist (aka fertility doctor) are lucky enough to conceive on their first intrauterine insemination/IUI ($1,500 - $2,000), many have to go through IVF ($15,000-$25,000). Most people also require various blood tests, procedures, and surgeries, which can be an additional $200,000. 

If those options fail, or if other options are not available, they might try sperm donation ($1,000-$2,000), egg donation ($8,000-10,000), or surrogacy ($150,000 - $200,000), or a combination.... sometimes more than once. Finally, while many think adoption (ranging from $20,000 - $65,000) is an ‘easy out,’ it is often more expensive than trying multiple rounds of fertility treatments. Many in the fertility world don’t consider adoption until after unsuccessful attempts with different treatments, so adoption may be financially unfeasible.  

But what about insurance? 

Many insurance companies don’t cover fertility treatment at all. Some cover a small amount - maybe up to $10,000, which is not even enough for one full round of IVF. Or they place a cap on the amount they will pay per patient during their lifetime. Insurance companies may also have time-consuming and physically-invasive parameters for using their money, such as requiring 12 unsuccessful IUIs before they are willing to allocate coverage towards IVF. 

This financial stress can take a toll on all relationships, including those with family, friends, and partners. This emotional strain can often cause rifts in relationships, and when you couple that with the desperation many feel when they can’t afford treatment, it can be a recipe for disaster.  

However, having major financial burdens while going through infertility does not mean that your relationship will fall apart. Similar to other relationship challenges, careful communication, making space for each partner to air their concerns, listening with an empathic ear, and seeking outside support from peers, clergy, or therapists when things get overwhelming, will be the key. 

Thankfully, there are also some options to help alleviate the financial burden. Organizations like Bonei Olam, Hasidah, Jewish Fertility Foundation, Priya, Stardust Jewish Fertility Foundation, A Giving Hand, etc. all exist to provide financial support for fertility treatments. Though some of these organizations have geographical as well as other prerequisites before funds can be dispersed, many people do receive financial assistance with their treatment. Some employers are known to offer excellent fertility benefits. Finally, some people choose to move to countries that have better financial opportunities for those seeking fertility treatment.

Reflection Prompts 

• How have you set boundaries with your partner, friends, and/or family so that you have less stress surrounding the finances of your fertility treatments?
• Have you and your partner had to give anything up because of the expense of your treatments?
• Do you feel that the financial burden of your fertility treatment has stressed your relationship with your partner?
• How have you and your partner come to terms with the amount that you are spending on fertility treatments?

Source: I was Supposed to Have a Baby

Partners experience fertility treatment differently. Even if they go through every step together, what is happening does not happen inside both bodies. Typically, only one body is receiving treatment, and the other person acts as a support system for the person undergoing treatment.

In other words…

Both partners do not typically experience the actual miscarriage or stillbirth, undergo surgeries, receive endless injections, attend weekly early morning appointments for bloodwork and ultrasounds, and get pumped with hormones - all while trying to keep their job, family, and friends from knowing what's going on. The exception being couples doing reciprocal IVF where one partner’s eggs are retrieved and fertilized by donated sperm through an IVF procedure, and the resulting embryo(s) is implanted into the partner for pregnancy as a gestational carrier.

Moreover, in many situations, it is only one partner who has the pain of knowing that their body is the one that “doesn’t work.” They may feel to blame for their partner needing to go through surgeries, injections, and hormones. They might feel they are to blame for having to spend all of their savings on conception alone. They might feel responsible if years after they began trying - they still have no baby to show for it. Or maybe there was a loss… or several. The feeling of being at fault can be extremely stressful and isolating. 

Being a partner who is exclusively (or mostly) a supporter can be difficult as well. There is the feeling that you can’t take the pain and guilt away from the person you love. Not blaming our partner,  but also wondering if you could be living an easier life with someone else. Debating if it’s all worth it and then feeling guilty for even ever thinking that. Some also struggle with the knowledge that they are the reason their partner is going through so much pain. And this is only the tip of the iceberg of emotions that go through the minds of those undergoing treatment.

Relationships are hard without all of this extra stress. And many couples who go through infertility treatments don’t survive the journey. 

But at the same time, many do survive and come out stronger, and better equipped to face adversity together over the rest of their lives. In many instances, a couple who does not survive treatment is likely a couple who wouldn’t have survived other life challenges had they faced them - or when they inevitably do face them.

Relationships are about connection, understanding, and patience. Through patience, listening, caring, and being present, a couple can hope to understand each other better and learn to be there for each other as best as possible. To reach this goal, each individual must work to understand their own needs first, vocalize those needs in a way that their partner can internalize them…. and their partner needs to be able to implement them - and vice versa… with room for mistakes and compromise.

The couple will need to work and evolve together - and isn’t this what it means to be in a relationship? To work through these trials and tribulations of life together, side by side, supporting ourselves as well as each other? In other words - it IS doable. It is also hard - but it is doable. If we take the time to be patient and recognize that our partners' needs are likely different from our own, we can reach a place where we see each other for who we are and can accept and respect wherever the other person is holding in all of this. 

Journaling Prompts 

• What part of your fertility journey puts the most strain on your relationship with your partner?
• What have you found to be the best way to get through tough times with your partner?
• What helps you and your partner see eye to eye when you aren’t on the same page?

Source: I was Supposed to Have a Baby