What if you thought of it
as the Jews consider the Sabbath—
the most sacred of times?
Cease from travel.
Cease from buying and selling.
Give up, just for now,
on trying to make the world
different than it is.
Sing. Pray. Touch only those
to whom you commit your life.
Center down.
And when your body has become still,
reach out with your heart.
Know that we are connected
in ways that are terrifying and beautiful.
(You could hardly deny it now.)
Know that our lives
are in one another’s hands.
(Surely, that has come clear.)
Do not reach out your hands.
Reach out your heart.
Reach out your words.
Reach out all the tendrils
of compassion that move, invisibly,
where we cannot touch.
Promise this world your love–
for better or for worse,
in sickness and in health,
so long as we all shall live.
–Lynn Ungar 3/11/20
INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT
JERRY
Do you know why they call it Passover? G-d told Moses that the Israelites should mark their doorposts with lamb’s blood. So that He could “pass over” their houses. And spare them from the plague of the killing of the first born. My question is: Who was put in charge of telling everyone? That’s a big job. There’s a lot counting on that job. What if someone isn’t home? How did they tell them? Did they leave a note? Probably not. The Egyptians could see it. Would have ruined the whole plan. Did they just take the liberty of putting lamb’s blood on the door? What about when that family gets home, sees blood all over their door? “Honey, do you see this? Someone put blood on our door. Someone’s out to get us! You better get off the couch and wipe this off.” “I’m busy! Have our first born do it!”
adapted from The Yada Yada Haggadah - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1793219109
Jerry Seinfeld's Passover Stand-Up Introduction - The Yada Yada Haggadah
Preview
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INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT
ELAINE
Now do we eat? I’m starving.
KRAMER
Sort of. Next up is the Karpas. Who wants to do the Karpas? Yael?
George's love interest Yael replies:
YAEL
I’d be honored. For the Karpas, we dip fresh green vegetables into bitter, salty water. It symbolizes the celebration of a painful moment in Jewish history, by combining a metaphor of tears and slavery, the salt water, with one of spring and rebirth, the green vegetable, in this case, the big salad Elaine brought.
YAEL DIPS SOME OF THE BIG SALAD INTO THE SALT WATER. SHE BITES THE VEGETABLE.
YAEL
Mmm.
YAEL PASSES THE KARPAS TO GEORGE. HE TAKES THE BIG SALAD AND SALT WATER NEXT, DIPS, AND BITES.
GEORGE
Mmm.
YAEL SMILES. HOWEVER, GEORGE THEN RE-DIPS THE BITTEN VEGETABLE INTO THE SALT WATER AND TAKES ANOTHER BITE.
GEORGE
Mmmmmmm.
YAEL LOOKS AT GEORGE. SHE’S DISGUSTED.
YAEL
What are you doing?
GEORGE
What?
YAEL
You just double dipped the Karpas?
GEORGE
Excuse me?
YAEL
You dipped the Karpas. Bit it. And dipped it again.
GEORGE
So?
George's Father, Frank, yells at him:
FRANK
It’s like putting your whole mouth in the Karpas, George!
GEORGE
I didn’t get enough salt water the first time. I like to really feel the tears of our people. Is that so bad?
YAEL
There’s no double dipping. In general. Of anything.
George's mother criticizes him:
ESTELLE
Who raised you to double dip? We didn’t raise him to double dip. I can tell you that.
FRANK
I’m sorry you had to see that, Yael.
GEORGE
Can we just say the prayer already?!
EVERYONE:
Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech ha`olam, bo'rei p'ri ha'adama.
Praised Are You, Our G-d, who creates the fruit of the earth.
adapted From The Yada Yada Haggadah - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1793219109
JOE BIDEN: Okay, folks, I guess it’s time for The Magid, The Exodus Story.
It’s funny, I actually identify a bit with Moses. Not, uh, you know, too much. But we both dealt with a, a stutter.
In Exodus, Moses doesn’t think he’s capable or able to lead the Jews out of Egypt, telling G-d: “Please, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since You have spoken to Your servant, for I am slow of speech and tongue.”
In the past, I didn’t think it was possible that I could be President with my stutter. But I would think back to my mother who would tell me, "Joey, don't let this define you. Joey, remember who you are. Joey, you can do it.”
So every time I would walk out, she would reinforce me. I know that sounds silly, but it really matters.
Anyway, sometimes during the debates with You Know Who, I didn’t know if I could get a word out, or even a word in, and I thought I might lose the Presidency because of it, but G-d helped Moses and G-d helped me, too.
G-d helped all of us, I should say.
Because You Know Who was more than a bit like Pharaoh.
He just wouldn’t let his office go.
Let it go, we said, let your office go.
But he wouldn’t let his office go.
DONALD TRUMP: AND I STILL WON’T!
JOE BIDEN: Who let you in here, Donald?!
DONALD TRUMP: McConnell did.
KAMALA HARRIS: Mitch?! What did you do that for? We were all trying to get along and mend bridges!
MITCH MCCONNELL: He said he was going to start a new party if I didn’t. You know how I am. It’s all about self-interest!
JOE BIDEN: What do you want, man?
DONALD TRUMP: I want to rewrite the Exodus story my way. This time the Pharaoh stays in control.
NANCY PELOSI: That’s not what happened. And it’s not what’s happening here either. You can forget it.
DONALD TRUMP: Who’s going to stop me?
MOSES: I will.
MICHELLE OBAMA: And I will.
ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ: Me, too.
OPRAH: Count me in.
AMANDA GORMAN: I may be small, but you don’t intimidate me.
DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON: And don’t even try me.
KANYE WEST: Even I’ve had enough.
MARK ZUCKERBERG: Same.
EVERYONE: You get out of here, too, Zuck!
JOE BIDEN: No, everyone stays. Donald, no matter how much we dislike you, and what you’ve done, you are part of our country and our story.
GEORGE SOROS: Are you sure you don’t want me to get out the Jewish Space Laser and zap him out of existence?
JOE BIDEN: No, he stays. Even the Simple One is welcome. And that’s not a joke.
DONALD TRUMP: So you’re saying, I can still be President?
JOE BIDEN: No, man. But you can stay for the meal. Is that a fair deal?
DONALD TRUMP: Deal.
MARK ZUCKERBERG: What about me?
JOE BIDEN: You can stay, too. But we might need to regulate you like a lot more.
Now let’s do the plagues paired with my executive orders.
DAM, turning the Egyptians’ water into blood, but also rejoining the Paris Agreement on climate change.
TZFARDEAH, releasing frogs on them, but also ending the Muslim country entry ban.
KINIM, infecting them with lice, but also requiring people to wear masks on federal property.
DONALD TRUMP: These sound like double the plagues.
JOE BIDEN: Would you shut up, man!
DONALD TRUMP: Yeah, sure, it might be nice to not talk so much. I’m working on that in therapy. It’s weird, I guess, like, I have some problems. Who knew?!
EVERYONE: EVERYONE!!!
JOE BIDEN: AROV, sending wild beasts at them, but also examining racial profiling and changing how police enforce laws.
DEVER, diseasing their livestock, but also coordinating a federal COVID response with vaccines for all.
SH’HIN, giving them boils, but also banning discrimination based on gender identity and sexual orientation in all spheres including the military.
BARAD, thunderstorms of hail, but also stopping the construction of the Keystone oil pipeline and focusing on clean and green energy.
ARBEH, a dispersal of locusts, but also pausing student loan payments and considering a reduction in the principal.
HOSHEKH, darkness for three days, but also stopping any further wall construction and supporting DACA.
MAKAT B’KHOROT, the killing of their firstborn, but also making peace between the Democrats, Republicans, and Independents.
How about that?
EVERYONE: Love it!
Joe Biden Leads The Magid (And No One Interrupts) - The Biden-Harris Haggadah
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W.A.P.
(Wet-Ass Pharaoh)
(There’s some Jews in this house)
(Three’s some Jews in this house)
(There’s some Jews in this house)
(There’s some Jews in this house)
Said G-d’s got technique
Full of mystique
Wet-ass Pharaoh
God’s Red Sea game on fleak
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, G-d made one Wet-Ass Pharaoh
Bring a bucket and a mop for this Wet-Ass Pharaoh
Gave us what we want, made a Wet-Ass Pharaoh
Beat their idols, judgments charged
Extra-large and extra-hard
Put this Pharaoh in his place
Smote their firstborn made them die-hard
No need to top, would’ve sufficed
But G-d copped their wealth, how fine
Split the sea, made it rise
This Pharaoh got wet, took a dive
Dry-land, again would have sufficed
We just say, G-d, dayenu
But. G-d. Drowned. Our. Oppressors.
And we again say that sufficed!
In the desert, like a dream
For forty years, what a scene
We don't cook, we don't clean
But let me tell you how we got this manna
Gobble it, swallow it, off the ground
Quick, eat it up ‘fore there’s no more of it
G-d tells us about Shabbat, would’ve been enough
G-d gives us Mount Sinai, would’ve been enough
We read God’s Torah, read it well
Ask for more we wouldn’t dare
But we really ain't never gotta ask G-d for a thang
G-d already made mind up 'to give us Israel
We got our Temple and our promised land
Made one Wet-Ass Pharaoh
G-d took care of us, Dayenu
Made one Wet-Ass Pharaoh
Said, G-d took care of us, Dayenu
Made one Wet-Ass Pharaoh
That’s right, G-d took care of us, Dayenu
Made one Wet-Ass Pharaoh
What if you thought of it
as the Jews consider the Sabbath—
the most sacred of times?
Cease from travel.
Cease from buying and selling.
Give up, just for now,
on trying to make the world
different than it is.
Sing. Pray. Touch only those
to whom you commit your life.
Center down.
And when your body has become still,
reach out with your heart.
Know that we are connected
in ways that are terrifying and beautiful.
(You could hardly deny it now.)
Know that our lives
are in one another’s hands.
(Surely, that has come clear.)
Do not reach out your hands.
Reach out your heart.
Reach out your words.
Reach out all the tendrils
of compassion that move, invisibly,
where we cannot touch.
Promise this world your love–
for better or for worse,
in sickness and in health,
so long as we all shall live.
–Lynn Ungar 3/11/20
INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT
JERRY
Do you know why they call it Passover? G-d told Moses that the Israelites should mark their doorposts with lamb’s blood. So that He could “pass over” their houses. And spare them from the plague of the killing of the first born. My question is: Who was put in charge of telling everyone? That’s a big job. There’s a lot counting on that job. What if someone isn’t home? How did they tell them? Did they leave a note? Probably not. The Egyptians could see it. Would have ruined the whole plan. Did they just take the liberty of putting lamb’s blood on the door? What about when that family gets home, sees blood all over their door? “Honey, do you see this? Someone put blood on our door. Someone’s out to get us! You better get off the couch and wipe this off.” “I’m busy! Have our first born do it!”
adapted from The Yada Yada Haggadah - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1793219109
Jerry Seinfeld's Passover Stand-Up Introduction - The Yada Yada Haggadah
Preview
More
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT
ELAINE
Now do we eat? I’m starving.
KRAMER
Sort of. Next up is the Karpas. Who wants to do the Karpas? Yael?
George's love interest Yael replies:
YAEL
I’d be honored. For the Karpas, we dip fresh green vegetables into bitter, salty water. It symbolizes the celebration of a painful moment in Jewish history, by combining a metaphor of tears and slavery, the salt water, with one of spring and rebirth, the green vegetable, in this case, the big salad Elaine brought.
YAEL DIPS SOME OF THE BIG SALAD INTO THE SALT WATER. SHE BITES THE VEGETABLE.
YAEL
Mmm.
YAEL PASSES THE KARPAS TO GEORGE. HE TAKES THE BIG SALAD AND SALT WATER NEXT, DIPS, AND BITES.
GEORGE
Mmm.
YAEL SMILES. HOWEVER, GEORGE THEN RE-DIPS THE BITTEN VEGETABLE INTO THE SALT WATER AND TAKES ANOTHER BITE.
GEORGE
Mmmmmmm.
YAEL LOOKS AT GEORGE. SHE’S DISGUSTED.
YAEL
What are you doing?
GEORGE
What?
YAEL
You just double dipped the Karpas?
GEORGE
Excuse me?
YAEL
You dipped the Karpas. Bit it. And dipped it again.
GEORGE
So?
George's Father, Frank, yells at him:
FRANK
It’s like putting your whole mouth in the Karpas, George!
GEORGE
I didn’t get enough salt water the first time. I like to really feel the tears of our people. Is that so bad?
YAEL
There’s no double dipping. In general. Of anything.
George's mother criticizes him:
ESTELLE
Who raised you to double dip? We didn’t raise him to double dip. I can tell you that.
FRANK
I’m sorry you had to see that, Yael.
GEORGE
Can we just say the prayer already?!
EVERYONE:
Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech ha`olam, bo'rei p'ri ha'adama.
Praised Are You, Our G-d, who creates the fruit of the earth.
adapted From The Yada Yada Haggadah - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1793219109
JOE BIDEN: Okay, folks, I guess it’s time for The Magid, The Exodus Story.
It’s funny, I actually identify a bit with Moses. Not, uh, you know, too much. But we both dealt with a, a stutter.
In Exodus, Moses doesn’t think he’s capable or able to lead the Jews out of Egypt, telling G-d: “Please, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since You have spoken to Your servant, for I am slow of speech and tongue.”
In the past, I didn’t think it was possible that I could be President with my stutter. But I would think back to my mother who would tell me, "Joey, don't let this define you. Joey, remember who you are. Joey, you can do it.”
So every time I would walk out, she would reinforce me. I know that sounds silly, but it really matters.
Anyway, sometimes during the debates with You Know Who, I didn’t know if I could get a word out, or even a word in, and I thought I might lose the Presidency because of it, but G-d helped Moses and G-d helped me, too.
G-d helped all of us, I should say.
Because You Know Who was more than a bit like Pharaoh.
He just wouldn’t let his office go.
Let it go, we said, let your office go.
But he wouldn’t let his office go.
DONALD TRUMP: AND I STILL WON’T!
JOE BIDEN: Who let you in here, Donald?!
DONALD TRUMP: McConnell did.
KAMALA HARRIS: Mitch?! What did you do that for? We were all trying to get along and mend bridges!
MITCH MCCONNELL: He said he was going to start a new party if I didn’t. You know how I am. It’s all about self-interest!
JOE BIDEN: What do you want, man?
DONALD TRUMP: I want to rewrite the Exodus story my way. This time the Pharaoh stays in control.
NANCY PELOSI: That’s not what happened. And it’s not what’s happening here either. You can forget it.
DONALD TRUMP: Who’s going to stop me?
MOSES: I will.
MICHELLE OBAMA: And I will.
ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ: Me, too.
OPRAH: Count me in.
AMANDA GORMAN: I may be small, but you don’t intimidate me.
DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON: And don’t even try me.
KANYE WEST: Even I’ve had enough.
MARK ZUCKERBERG: Same.
EVERYONE: You get out of here, too, Zuck!
JOE BIDEN: No, everyone stays. Donald, no matter how much we dislike you, and what you’ve done, you are part of our country and our story.
GEORGE SOROS: Are you sure you don’t want me to get out the Jewish Space Laser and zap him out of existence?
JOE BIDEN: No, he stays. Even the Simple One is welcome. And that’s not a joke.
DONALD TRUMP: So you’re saying, I can still be President?
JOE BIDEN: No, man. But you can stay for the meal. Is that a fair deal?
DONALD TRUMP: Deal.
MARK ZUCKERBERG: What about me?
JOE BIDEN: You can stay, too. But we might need to regulate you like a lot more.
Now let’s do the plagues paired with my executive orders.
DAM, turning the Egyptians’ water into blood, but also rejoining the Paris Agreement on climate change.
TZFARDEAH, releasing frogs on them, but also ending the Muslim country entry ban.
KINIM, infecting them with lice, but also requiring people to wear masks on federal property.
DONALD TRUMP: These sound like double the plagues.
JOE BIDEN: Would you shut up, man!
DONALD TRUMP: Yeah, sure, it might be nice to not talk so much. I’m working on that in therapy. It’s weird, I guess, like, I have some problems. Who knew?!
EVERYONE: EVERYONE!!!
JOE BIDEN: AROV, sending wild beasts at them, but also examining racial profiling and changing how police enforce laws.
DEVER, diseasing their livestock, but also coordinating a federal COVID response with vaccines for all.
SH’HIN, giving them boils, but also banning discrimination based on gender identity and sexual orientation in all spheres including the military.
BARAD, thunderstorms of hail, but also stopping the construction of the Keystone oil pipeline and focusing on clean and green energy.
ARBEH, a dispersal of locusts, but also pausing student loan payments and considering a reduction in the principal.
HOSHEKH, darkness for three days, but also stopping any further wall construction and supporting DACA.
MAKAT B’KHOROT, the killing of their firstborn, but also making peace between the Democrats, Republicans, and Independents.
How about that?
EVERYONE: Love it!
Joe Biden Leads The Magid (And No One Interrupts) - The Biden-Harris Haggadah
Preview
More
W.A.P.
(Wet-Ass Pharaoh)
(There’s some Jews in this house)
(Three’s some Jews in this house)
(There’s some Jews in this house)
(There’s some Jews in this house)
Said G-d’s got technique
Full of mystique
Wet-ass Pharaoh
God’s Red Sea game on fleak
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, G-d made one Wet-Ass Pharaoh
Bring a bucket and a mop for this Wet-Ass Pharaoh
Gave us what we want, made a Wet-Ass Pharaoh
Beat their idols, judgments charged
Extra-large and extra-hard
Put this Pharaoh in his place
Smote their firstborn made them die-hard
No need to top, would’ve sufficed
But G-d copped their wealth, how fine
Split the sea, made it rise
This Pharaoh got wet, took a dive
Dry-land, again would have sufficed
We just say, G-d, dayenu
But. G-d. Drowned. Our. Oppressors.
And we again say that sufficed!
In the desert, like a dream
For forty years, what a scene
We don't cook, we don't clean
But let me tell you how we got this manna
Gobble it, swallow it, off the ground
Quick, eat it up ‘fore there’s no more of it
G-d tells us about Shabbat, would’ve been enough
G-d gives us Mount Sinai, would’ve been enough
We read God’s Torah, read it well
Ask for more we wouldn’t dare
But we really ain't never gotta ask G-d for a thang
G-d already made mind up 'to give us Israel
We got our Temple and our promised land
Made one Wet-Ass Pharaoh
G-d took care of us, Dayenu
Made one Wet-Ass Pharaoh
Said, G-d took care of us, Dayenu
Made one Wet-Ass Pharaoh
That’s right, G-d took care of us, Dayenu
Made one Wet-Ass Pharaoh
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