INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT

ELAINE

Now do we eat? I’m starving.

KRAMER
Sort of. Next up is the Karpas. Who wants to do the Karpas? Yael?

George's love interest Yael replies:

YAEL

I’d be honored. For the Karpas, we dip fresh green vegetables into bitter, salty water. It symbolizes the celebration of a painful moment in Jewish history, by combining a metaphor of tears and slavery, the salt water, with one of spring and rebirth, the green vegetable, in this case, the big salad Elaine brought.

YAEL DIPS SOME OF THE BIG SALAD INTO THE SALT WATER. SHE BITES THE VEGETABLE. 

YAEL

Mmm.

YAEL PASSES THE KARPAS TO GEORGE. HE TAKES THE BIG SALAD AND SALT WATER NEXT, DIPS, AND BITES.

GEORGE

Mmm.

YAEL SMILES. HOWEVER, GEORGE THEN RE-DIPS THE BITTEN VEGETABLE INTO THE SALT WATER AND TAKES ANOTHER BITE.

GEORGE

Mmmmmmm.

YAEL LOOKS AT GEORGE. SHE’S DISGUSTED.

YAEL

What are you doing?

GEORGE

What?

YAEL

You just double dipped the Karpas?

GEORGE

Excuse me?

YAEL

You dipped the Karpas. Bit it. And dipped it again.

GEORGE

So?

George's Father, Frank, yells at him:

FRANK

It’s like putting your whole mouth in the Karpas, George!

GEORGE

I didn’t get enough salt water the first time. I like to really feel the tears of our people. Is that so bad?

YAEL

There’s no double dipping. In general. Of anything.

George's mother criticizes him:

ESTELLE

Who raised you to double dip? We didn’t raise him to double dip. I can tell you that. 

FRANK

I’m sorry you had to see that, Yael.

GEORGE

Can we just say the prayer already?!

EVERYONE:

Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech ha`olam, bo'rei p'ri ha'adama.

Praised Are You, Our G-d, who creates the fruit of the earth.

adapted From The Yada Yada Haggadah - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1793219109

Donald Trump: You know, a lot of people don’t know The Exodus Story, I didn’t know it until very recently, not a lot of people know it, very complicated stuff. You got this guy, this Moses guy, leading his people. He’s kind of like the Jew President, right? OK, he’s the Jew President, I’m the U.S. President, he’s the Jew President, I’m the U.S. President, so I know a thing or two about this. Some people say, I’m not saying this, but there are people saying, they’re saying, Moses, if you look at it, if you really look at it, he wasn’t such a good leader, not such a good guy, this Moses. I’m not saying that, but many people are. 

Some of these people, they wish I had been Moses. They do. They say, if Trump was Moses, if Trump was Moses, they say, the Jews never would have been enslaved in the first place. They say if Trump was Moses, the Jews would have enslaved the Egyptians instead! And we would’ve enslaved them so well, like no one’s ever been enslaved before. No doubt about it. Real tough slavery, folks. The toughest slavery you’ve ever seen. So tough the Egyptians would be the ones wanting to have Seders right now. To celebrate escaping from us. Except, if I was Moses, the Egyptians would never have escaped. So they wouldn’t be having Seders. Because they’d still be our slaves.

But I’m not saying that. Other people are saying that. Many others. But not me. I will say, you probably wouldn’t have been slaves for two hundred years, if I was leading you, but that’s OK, that’s OK. I’m here now. Can we, can we try something tonight, folks? Can we all pretend I’m Moses. Let’s pretend. Why not? And then I’ll tell you what I’d really do if I was Moses. Everyone close your eyes for the story. Close your eyes, children. Eric, no peeking. So Trump is Moses, Trump’s the leader of the Jewish people, Trump’s a prophet, Trump’s been sent by G-d. Picture that. Not that hard, right? Kind of already what’s going on, isn’t it? But OK, here’s what I’m going to do to about this Pharaoh. This Pharaoh, he’s a real bad hombre. But we’re going to deal with him. Oh boy, we’re going to deal with him, bigly. Because I’m going to do something no one’s ever done. I don’t know why no one’s ever done it before, but, most people aren’t as smart as me, no one is, actually, I’m, like, the smartest guy in history, so that’s probably why they never thought of this. 

So people say, they say, Donald, if you’re Moses, you gotta leave Egypt, you gotta take the Jews out of Egypt, we’ve always left Egypt, that’s just how it’s done. I tell you what, though, if I’m Moses, we’re not leaving Egypt this time. That’s establishment thinking. That’s swamp thinking. And it stops now. We’re gonna make THEM leave. The Egyptians, you hear that? You’re gone, you’re out of here, bye-bye. How are we going to do that? We’re gonna do some real bad things to these Egyptians. The media’s not going to like it. The media’s going to say, "Oh, you can’t do that to the Egyptian people, Donald, they’ve lived in Egypt for a long time, most of them since they were born, they have rights, too, you know." But bottom line? They treated us very unfairly. So they’re gonna get plagued. Serious plaguing, people. No one’s ever seen plagues like these before. Because I’m not just Moses, I’m not just Donald Trump, I’m not just a Prophet sent by G-d. I’m also Hashem, G-d, President of the World, Ruler of the Cosmos, Dictator of the Universe, Blessed am I. That’s right! So I do the plagues, too! I’m going to do it all! I alone can fix this!

Instead of DAM, turning the Egyptians’ water into blood, and TZFARDEAH, releasing frogs on them, and KINIM, infecting them with lice, we’re going to do some actual plaguing. We’re going to pass some common-sense gun laws to keep mentally ill and criminal hands off of weapons and reduce mass shootings in their land. And we’re going to tamper down coal, oil, nuclear, and fracking energy, and release the power of solar, water, and wind energy instead. We’re also going to infect them with a tax reform similar to America’s in the mid-20th century, when taxes were so progressive that it paid for infrastructure and welfare programs that created the best economy for the most amount of its citizens in our history, instead of the best economy for the least amount of its citizens like during the Gilded Age and today. 

It’s gonna be chaos. Turmoil. A total disaster. 

Instead of AROV, sending wild beasts at them, DEVER, diseasing their livestock, and SH’HIN, giving them boils, which is some real light-weight stuff, we’re going to give them universal healthcare. It’s going to be so universal, even the boils will be covered. We’re also going to make sure their food and drug regulatory agencies are well-funded and well-staffed, so that their livestock won’t be secretly harboring hormones and other poisonous material that slowly diseases and kills people over a long period of time. And we’re going to send them an actual environmentalist as the administrator of their Environmental Protection Agency, who won’t cut National Park funding, so that the wild beasts have a place to run free, you know?

This is Egyptian carnage, people. This is scary scary stuff, OK? I don’t have to tell you what kind of results we’re going to see. 

Instead of BARAD, thunderstorms of hail, and ARBEH, a dispersal of locusts, and HOSHEKH, darkness for three days, which— I actually kind of like the darkness for three days thing, that’s pretty good. We’ll do that one, and then we’re going to let all of their immigrants, who work hard and enhance the culture of their community, stay. And cut their military budget just 5%, which would provide enough funds for free pre-school and college educations and completely end poverty without raising the debt and without even hurting the military, which would still be the best in the world.

Look, enacting these plagues will be a nightmare. Believe me. The Egyptians will be so determined to leave, even a wall wouldn’t stop them. It’ll be so bad for them, they’re going to drown themselves in the Red Sea.

And if that doesn’t work, instead of MAKAT B’KHOROT, the killing of their firstborn, we’re just going to make sure contraceptives are available across the land. It’s much better, because they’ll have a lot less firstborns for us to kill, who their women might not have wanted anyway, because they wanted to have a stable career first, or wanted to make sure they’re with the right partner.

How about that? The worst, right, folks? There’s never been a leader of the Jewish people who plagued the Egyptians so well. You’re welcome.

MOSES: Hey, Donald!

DONALD TRUMP: Who’s that?! Did you just muss my hair?!

MOSES: I just mussed whatever’s on top of your bulbous head. It’s me, Moses! Sheket bevakasha!

DONALD TRUMP: Moses?! How? What does sheket bevakasha mean?! 

MOSES: It’s Hebrew for, "You’re fired!"

-

adapted from The Trump Passover Haggadah - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1976722772

We Don't Talk About Pharaoh By Dave Cowen 
Adapted from “We Don’t Talk About Bruno” from Encanto

We don't talk about Pharaoh, no, no, no!

We don't talk about Pharaoh. But!

It was our Exodus day

It was our Exodus day

We were getting ready, to leave Egypt and slavery behind

Leave Egypt and slavery behind

Pharaoh walks in with a mischievous grin-

(Darkness!!!)

You telling this story, or am I?

(I'm sorry, ha-chaim sheli, go on)

Pharaoh says, "You’ll stay our slaves."

(But God did for us?)

Egypt’s water, He turned to blood

(Savtala, get the umbrellas!)

Next the frogs, lice, and flies came

(What joyous days... but anyways)

We don't talk about Pharaoh, no, no, no!

We don't talk about Pharaoh!

Jews grew to live in fear of Pharaoh summoning then promising

We could always hear him sort of dissembling and fibbing

Because of him they got the plague of falling hail, ch-ch-ch

You would think pestilence would be so humbling

Yet always to Moses and the Jews he kept fibbing

Grappling with prophecies he couldn't understand

Did not understand

Kind of not to blame

He gets all the flack

When God proclaimed

Pharaoh’s heart be black

Yet, he still did scheme

To keep his regime

Hey!

We don't talk about Pharaoh, no, no, no! (We don't talk about Pharaoh, no, no, no!)

We don't talk about Pharaoh (we don't talk about Pharaoh!)

He told us we could not leave

Firstborn sons: dead! (Whoa, whoa!)

Moses warned he’d grow boils!

And just like He said... (Whoa, whoa!)

God said that all light would disappear, now look as foresaid (Whoa, whoa!)

Your fate’s sealed when the prophecy is said!

God told us the land of our dreams would be promised, and someday be thine

God told us His power would grow, with outstretched arm and strong hand

Oy, Pharaoh’s on his way

God told us as we left, freedom would feel just out of reach

Enslaved all over

It’s like I hear chariots now

My peeps, God wants some faith from you

I can hear chariots now

Uh-oh Pharaoh...

Yeah, about that Pharaoh...

You really need to trust in Hashem...

Gimme that arm and hand for that Pharaoh

(Jewish people, your ruler’s here

Time for capture!)

The Red Sea he came (it was our Exodus day, it was our Exodus day)

To enslave us back (we were getting ready)

he never did change (to leave Egypt and slavery behind)

his heart remained black (to leave Egypt and slavery behind!)

Yet, all God’s plan (Pharaoh arrived with a mischievous grin-)

To part the Red Sea (Locusts!)

You telling this story, or am I?

(I'm sorry, ha-chaim sheli, go on)

God said, “Jews cross the plane.”

In doing so, God floods the terrain

The Egyptians all were slain

That’s why we talk about Pharaoh, oh! 

(Every year we talk about Pharaoh?)

Yes, every year we talk about Pharaoh!

(I’m glad we brought up Pharaoh!!!)

 

 

Spotify Link Here: https://open.spotify.com/track/52xJxFP6TqMuO4Yt0eOkMz?si=75c1a82542494046

THE YAHATZ

RICK RUBIN

Hametz & Matzo are like Ego & Source. Hametz is leavened bread. Soft, tasty, but it consists mostly of empty air after baking. Inflated air symbolizes a distortion of our self-awareness. When fermentation is prevented in baking of Matzo, we’re left with bread that’s more surrendering of itself to Source. Yet also more tuned in. It may not seemingly be as delicious as Hametz. As ‘special.’ But a self that is closer to the undifferentiated universe. Is also paradoxically closer to its differentiated self. “Specialer” and not.

 

Ye notices Beyoncé & TAYLOR SWIFT enter.

 

BEYONCÉ

Jay said some healing things were happening here.

 

TAYLOR SWIFT

So she brought me.

 

BEYONCÉ

How about us three do another remix of my song…

 

“Ego”

 

TAYLOR SWIFT

We got big egos

We got such big egos

But sometimes we need matzos

Just regular matzos

 

YE

I know you love my huge matzo

 

TAYLOR SWIFT

Careful, I might break your matzo 

 

YE

Ha-ha-ha

 

TAYLOR SWIFT

We like to joke around a bit, but seriously though

 

BEYONCÉ

OK, Ye, how you doing?

You know I'ma cut right to the chase, huh

All people, were made, but some, like us

We like to think we was created

For a special purpose, ya’ know?

What's more special than us? You feel me?

 

TAYLOR SWIFT

Oh, he feels you.

 

BEYONCÉ

OK, Ye, let's talk The Yahatz

Matzo’s, our whole Self, like a baby, mostly Source

But the world, as we age, traps us, in Egypt

That’s Ego, suffering, but that’s, everyone’s trip

 

YE

Why?

 

TAYLOR SWIFT

It might, be necessary, to go through, Mitzraim

So we can, break our Egos, and return to, Source

But unlike, as a baby, an adult, in Source

Also has an Ego, so we can, be the best, instrument

 

YE

For G-d?

 

Beyoncé & Taylor Swift nod.

 

TAYLOR SWIFT

I forgive you for your ego

‘Cause I too have such a big ego

 

EVERYONE

She does too have such a big ego

 

BEYONCÉ

Ye, can we break this matzo?

Which symbolizes your ego?

 

EVERYONE

Yes, please for the love of G-d break his matzo!

 

Taylor & Beyoncé hand Ye the matzo.

 

YE

We all have such big egos

 

EVERYONE

But yours especially so!

 

Ye chooses to pick up the matzos.

 

YE

So maybe, when it breaks, it causes an Ego death

Like a manic, episode, or a psychotic, break

But I won’t, be Macbeth, I’ll care, for my health

 In return, if you can, sometimes give me, a break

 

EVERYONE

We all have Egos

Not just musicians

We all could be more like Matzos

Modest, humble, unspecial Matzos

 

Ye is about to smash the matzos into smithereens…